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Yang and Yin...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2013-04-10 21:44

The Golden Dragon of the Sun
chases his brother from the night

Through the hallowed heavens they race
It is more like play than it is fight

The scales of each fall from the sky
Silver scratches on ebon’ sheet

Amazing to our humble eyes
This delicious, wondrous treat

Black Dragon of the velvet night
pushes the moon across the sky

Keeps the silver disk from falling
making sure it’s high and dry

Golden Dragon of the burnished day
blows fire and warms the field

Night Dragon flees his brother's breath
though he doesn't want to yield

The edge of Earth, the shore of sea
waits for them to let one fall

Rocky ledges, mountain streams
reflect like movies on the wall

Now if the rain and snow obscure
the silver moon and golden sun

Be sure they're still doing duty
Keeping time and having fun

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I tried to find the story that inspired this poem, but can't remember where I saw it. I changed the format of this, after reading and trying to fix the flow. Thanks to some constructive critique, I think it is better if not totally fixed.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Seren

Thu, 2013-04-11 06:11

Seren's picture

I have the book now and I read the story I will scan and email it to you tomorrow I am tired as tonight lol been a huge day, You know how much I love dragons so this appealed to me, there are a couple of places that could use some streamlining read it out loud and you will see where I mean

love and higgliest bugs JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Sun, 2013-04-14 23:24

Geezer's picture
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I made some big changes in this poem! I decided that the form was wrong for this one and retooled it!
I changed some words and moved some of the lines around. What do you think?
Thanks for the read and critique. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

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scribbler

Fri, 2013-04-12 19:32

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Well I se Jayne has already pointed out that this needs a bit of tweeking. The most obvious place to me is in the fifth stanza where they flow becomes pretty short compared to the rest of the poem. But overall this is pretty darn good and fun to read...............stan

Geezer

Sun, 2013-04-14 23:13

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real thinking on this one, and decided to change the form to the way you see it now.
I felt that the flow was greatly improved by change; what do you think?
I also changed some of the lines and switched some of the positions of the lines.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Thanks for the critique and comments. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-04-14 03:49

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Love the Dragons that depict day and night, it is another picture to take our eyes to another level of thought..

This Line
It is more play than it is fight..
Can it be better if:- It is more of a play than fight..

Love the shooting stars from the "ebon' sheet" beautiful picture..
"Ebon" A new word but apt, though even ebony would be just as sweet.
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Sun, 2013-04-14 23:16

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had a problem with making a new word, if it says what I want it to and people understand what I meant.
I tried to keep a certain cadence, even though I didn't succeed in some cases. I hope you like the new version as much as you did the first one. Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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