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Would You?

Submitted by Search on Wed, 2012-02-15 19:35

Would you love me if I lived?
Would you love me if I died?
Would you love me if I was the only one who survived?
Would you love me if I crashed?
Would you love me if I burned?
Would you love me if I had nothing at all to give in return?
Would you love me if I failed?
Would you love me if I cried?
Would you love me if the whole wide world fell apart from the inside?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Sometimes we love people because of what they have, not what they are on the inside. Love is a mysterious journey, and we need someone who will never loose their love; no matter what outcome life has for us.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

China Blue

Wed, 2012-02-15 19:55

China Blue's picture
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moderate ok
I understand the idea behind the poem

but the constant repetition of "would you love me" distracts from the meaning of the poem in my opinion
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Search

Wed, 2012-02-15 21:06

Search's picture

Hello China Blue, thanks for taking a look at the poem. The repetition of "Would you love me" is not really meant to distract you from anything, it literally is the poem. I'm not sure how you are being distracted. And quite frankly I don't know how to respond. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the Criticism; please elaborate on your opinion, please feel free to let it all out; I want to know why this is distracting you. Thank you.

Regards,
Search

author comment

China Blue

Sat, 2012-02-18 08:35

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Jess made a good point the word should have been detracts
however to answer your question

the repetition is like an unwanted drum or better still someone hammering
Would you , would you over and over
allow me to illustrate a thought

Would you love me if I lived or died
or was the only one who survived
If I crashed and burned
or had nothing to give in return
If I failed or cried
would you love me if the world fell apart from inside

I understand you were experimenting that is good it shows you are willing to try something new
but I do not believe it worked in this case

see how I omitted many of the would you and still drove the point home

which if I am correctly reading your poem is
would you still love me if there was nothing left but the two of us

all I did was use your word ( except for omitting the whole world) because by saying world it is understood you mean the entire world
I would have said all of this before but I believe you asked for moderate critique

I hope I have confused you anymore than you were and that I made my statement a bit more clearly
I do like the theme of the poem though
be well
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-16 01:45

weirdelf's picture
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although I wouldn't use the word distract, perhaps detract, it is overdone. Repetition can be effective if used in moderation but here it represents 48 wasted words.

Questions, rhetorical or not, also detract when overdone. Like the spaces in the sculptures of Henry Moore questions need to say something by the space they create. These questions do not say what you are saying in your 'Last few words'.

I wish I could say something more constructive here, but frankly you haven't given us much to work with.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Search

Thu, 2012-02-16 03:23

Search's picture

Thanks for looking over the poem. I now realize that it does consist of some wasted words. This poem was more of an experiment, I was messing around with trying to repeat words like how I did in "Out of Stock". I just wanted to see how people would react. Anyway, thanks for taking a look at it and trying to criticize. I appreciate it.

Regards,
Search

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-16 03:41

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and hope I haven't discouraged you.

Do you read much 'famous' or 'classic' poetry? Your profile lists no favourites or influences.

See my signature below.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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