Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

WILL I (first poem of the year)

Submitted by Sheddie on Fri, 2024-01-12 08:47

Will i become what i never knew,
When I know what I need to become?

Will i see what i never saw,
When my eyes begin to see my stars?

Will I grow to be what my being entails,
When my vehicles begins to breathe?

Will I be the freedom that no one fears,
Will my struggle for success be wished for?

When I walk through the gates that gave me in?
Will i be known, will i be kept whole in memory,
After doing all things said and done?

Will i be a song unsung,
Or a song sang to trigger the fire scared to burn?

Will I know what you think of me,
Before my time shoot its last bullet?

Will I be my pride, my own hero,
Or a villain who enjoys victories that hurts?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet weekly 01/07/24 to 01/13/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-01-12 14:50

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

It is not feasible to offer feedback.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2024-01-12 13:54

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

1] You only need one [ess] in the line: "When my vehicles begins to breathe"
[either the one at vehicle or the one at breathes.
Personally, I would opt for keeping the one on vehicles,
Making the line: "When my vehicles begin to breathe".

Then, I would make the word [sang] sung, in the line: "Or a song [sung] to trigger, the fire scared to burn?
It should be [shoot[s].
hurt, rather than hurt[s].

Always glad to help. Use my advice as is, twist it to use as you would your own, or let it be. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sheddie

Mon, 2024-01-15 22:48

Sheddie's picture

Sure I will
Thanks ♥️

author comment

Lavender

Fri, 2024-01-12 14:05

Lavender's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello, Sheddie,
Many thoughts brought in with the New Year.
"...will I be kept whole in memory..."
So much here to sit with and visit for a while. Beautiful in its depth and honesty.
Thank you,
L

Sheddie

Mon, 2024-01-15 22:49

Sheddie's picture

Thanks ♥️

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.