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Where The Water Never Ends

large white gazing ball
hangs upon nothing
in the dark canopy above
billowing canvas

myraids of crystals
pierce black pillows
at the farthest point
where the water never ends

silver sprayed twinkling shine
staining the glassy sea

Editing stage: 

Comments

I came back to this, once twice three times, and it keeps growing with every read.
this is a poem I could get lost in...
now, when the moon is full, I will revisit these words, a beautiful write...
your Proprietress

I really enjoy watching the moon especially when it us full and beautiful. When its a hunter moon I run for the camera and my notepad everytime. Thank for reading enjoying and commenting. Welcome to Neopoet

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I very much like your etheral poem. It captures the mind with its fine imagery. I do have one suggestion:

In this line:
in the dark carpet above
change carpet to canvas or some other word as carpet gives off the image of being beneath our feet and you want the imagery to suggest over our heads. IMHO. This is just my opinion and suggestion, it is your poem so do as you think best.

An excellent poem!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

You are a thousand times correct. I will change to canvas

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

i like the descriptive
- the 'large white gazing ball' hanging 'upon nothing'
and the 'myraids of crystals' piercing 'black pillows ... where the water never ends'

love the alliteration in
'silver sprayed twinkling shine
staining the glassy sea'

i do agree with cat with the lines
'in the dark carpet above
billowing canvas'
- i like 'in the dark billowing canvas above'

- and the title
... a little bland and obvious (imho i stress)
how about something like
'where the water never ends'
or 'in the never-ending waters' ??

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

A thousand times I agree. I'm so glad you enjoyed. Yes I agree the title is bland. I will change it. This was an experiment poem I was writing to practice my creativity to describe without using the actual word moon in the poem
Glad it worked
Thanks for reading and commenting and the suggestion. I will do.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

I do know what Cat and Judy mean
but I actually enjoyed the feeling of weightlessness
of going neither up nor down
that certain line gave me.
I feel that the contrast gives the poem an interesting texture.
just a thought that came to me when reading the new comments,
I am looking forward to your opinion and will love the poem either way! :)

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