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What Tear Falls

Submitted by docmaverick on Fri, 2012-01-20 13:08

Cradled arms of my solitude
where heartfelt dreams cease to exist,
and the shadows run away from their own selves;

the brass ring becomes elusive
I can't even make a fist!
Plus, I worry just how deep a longing delves.

Pay no attention to my tears of late
let my sorrows wash away,
every trace of sadness staining my own cheeks;

I'd prefer not bring you sorrow
even for one single day
let alone how you'd feel after several weeks.

Should "joy" continue to evade
my tearful, dreamless eyes,
not for once should you believe that it's your fault;

we all know of our positions
and now I finally realize
expectations are what causes love to halt.

I'd much rather seen more clearly
and not have wasted so much time,
but, before I've wasted too much time of yours;

my present form of my existence
has me running out of time
with all my "luck" flowing quite freely from my pores!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

docmaverick

Tue, 2012-01-24 05:04

docmaverick's picture

...if you say the title "fast" it sounds like, "Waterfall". What happened here is, I just felt mortality staring, or rather spitting into my face....because of my turning 59 on last Sunday ! I'm having a "time" figuring out if I'm "over the hill", or just tired of climbing it !
My best regards to you, sir;
sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

docmaverick

Tue, 2012-01-24 05:20

docmaverick's picture

...for the words of encouragement. I really AM learning, slowly but surely.
later,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

wesley snow

Wed, 2012-01-25 21:54

wesley snow's picture
Volunteer badge

who I am,... I have some typos to point out.
But first, I kind of feel like I was over the hill the moment of my birth. My birth was, to me, the pinnacle of my existence. Everything just fell all to hell after that.
Line three is not a typo, it's simply the only line that troubled me. I don't like the redundancy in "their own selves". That's a poet decision though.
Second stanza, line one I think you wanted to use "to" instead of "of", but I read it several times and I kept wanting to leave it. That's a rather medieval styling.
Stanza two, line four I think we need "to", ("I'd prefer not (to) bring you sorrow"), but this one did it to me again. Left alone it has a strange medieval tone. Not that you'd even like that in your poem (this one is rather personal. too personal for linguistic tricks).
Last stanza, first line should be present tense "see" and not past "seen".
The poem is a little disconcerting because I'm not sure how much is fiction and how much...

Don't you love that I take an interest in your poetry?
Put it down, Doc

wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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