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what i want

Submitted by MermaidMaster on Thu, 2024-01-11 22:51

my mother tells me she wants to put a blanket over me,
and feed me soup,
and tuck me into bed every night.

I tell her i don’t need these things anymore-
that i’m an adult, i’ve outgrown being cared for.
But i understand her urge.

Part of me wants to take you by the waist and hold you tightly to my chest.
Part of me wants you to beg that I never let go,
to cry out that you “need” me,
that it’s “not the same” without me.

I think a large part of me just wants to be necessary.
I’ve spent so many years longing to be wanted, and now that I’ve had a taste?
I want more.

I’m hungry and I want to be needed and I want to be loved and I want to make someone feel safe and complete.
I want to be the missing piece in the puzzle, the keystone in a roman archway, and the star on top of a christmas tree.

I want to walk into a room full of people, stay for a few minutes, and then start to walk out.
I want you to grab my arm just a little too tightly before I reach the doorway and look into my eyes and say,
“don’t go, I’d like it if you stayed”,
with a smile.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet weekly 01/07/24 to 01/13/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-01-12 04:51

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: what i want

Review:

The poem "what i want" explores the speaker's desire to be needed and loved. The imagery of being cared for by a mother and the longing to be wanted are effectively conveyed through the use of specific details and emotions. The poem also touches upon the speaker's yearning to make someone feel safe and complete.

One suggestion for improvement is to consider the overall structure and flow of the poem. While the emotions and desires are clear, the poem could benefit from a more cohesive structure that guides the reader through the speaker's thoughts and feelings. Consider organizing the poem into stanzas or sections to create a sense of progression and clarity.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from further development of certain ideas. For example, the line "I want to be the missing piece that completes the puzzle" is a powerful metaphor, but it could be expanded upon to provide more depth and insight into the speaker's longing to be necessary. Consider exploring this metaphor in more detail to

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Fri, 2024-01-12 13:48

What I Want

I've read this piece quite a few times. Strong language and emotion. This would be a good spoken word poem to read aloud at a poetry slam. As a reader, I had to come up for air a bit, but it feels like that is your intent? Spoken poetry is such a dramatic art form - beautiful in both verbal and body language.
Thank you,
L

MermaidMaster

Fri, 2024-01-12 21:49