Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Welcoming The Hunter

Reaching finally the tired end
of journey home from work, I stepped into
the sudden silence of the empty driveway
from the heated warmth of car,
and shivered at the crisp cold weight
of darkness gathered round the crunch
of gravel at my weary feet.

Standing in the shadows of the sleeping house,
breath fogged on stillness quiet with old night,
carved lanterns of old Samhain still ranged
along the stairs as food left out
for welcomed hungry wild creatures,
I turned and looked up to the East and South,
and found The Hunter gazing down,
patterned in the pinprick gleam of stars
spread out across the thousand years
between his bowing shoulders,
rising up above the fingers of the trees
made leafless by the end of summer.

And gazing on the triple jewels of his belt,
above where new suns coalesce from dust and gas
throughout long centuries of distance,
I heard him speak in ancient voice
between the slow thud of my heartbeats,
and knew the joy of coming winter
on empty shorelines lonely in the cold,
of inland seas left by old glaciers
frozen once again,
of sleeping forests watchful
with the shine of prey unseen
yet revealed by footprints in new snow,
and for an age I stood beneath Orion's gaze,
revelling in silence,
heart filled with his red and silver starlight,
welcoming The Hunter.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Comments

This is superlative in all aspects ...........scribbler

for your kind comment, Scribbler.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Did you have a good time at the Arias?

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

but (and now i sound like victor - smile xx)
lots of 'the's - especially in the first verse
i have re-written it as i see it works better (but definitely only imho)
- i think lines 3 and 4 need to be in reverse order... as i stress imho

'Reaching, finally, the tired end
of journey home from work, I stepped from
the heated warmth of car
into sudden silence of an empty driveway
and shivered as the crisp cold weight
of darkness gathered around
crunching gravel at my weary feet.

'I turned and looked up to the East and South', (lose the 'to the') (any reason why not 'upward south-east'?)

'made leafless by the end of summer'
(made leafless by summer's end?)
'patterned in the pinprick gleam of stars'
(patterned in pinpricks of gleaming stars?)

i so love watching the stars - i especially love the archer - he spreads himself so far across the sky
and he breaks up into part of him making the arrow - the drinking gourd = showing us the way north

did you know that his arrow points straight at the centre of the milky way????

beautiful imagery jim
love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Your enjoyment is my pleasure.
Regarding edits....

lines 3 and 4 remain as they are because I'm stepping into the silence that is the focus of the beginning. This sets the mood, and the tone, of the piece. If I step from the car first, it makes the car the focus, and I want the reader to step into the scene with me, and not "from" a place.

"I turned and looked up to the East and South," is all about the cadence, the pacing. Also, "upwards" is too passive, I want the rhythm to reinforce the impact of what is happening, to make the action and imagery more vivid.

And it's the same thing with the others: "the" makes the line more active, and putting in "gleaming" softens the line, and makes it too passive.
Which is counter-intuitive, I know - normally, I would be slashing and burning "the"s, "to"s and "and"s left right and center, lol.

The whole thing is supposed to read like a chant, a ritual, if you will. I want the cadence and the imagery to combine in the reader's mind, to elicit an emotional response.

Yes, I love Orion too, it's probably my favorite constellation, both because of what it contains from an astronomical viewpoint - red and blue giant stars, open and globular star clusters, nebulae, star nurseries - and for what its heralds on a spiritual level, the beginning of winter, the last of the harvests brought in, the end of nature's yearly cycle. Orion always appeals to me because in my mind he brings science and spirituality together. Looking for him after Samhain is something of a yearly ritual, for me. Time to get the telescope out! heehee.

Yes, his arrow does point to galactic center. His belt also points to two well-known stars on either side, Aldebaran and Sirius, And the two stars that make up his shoulders, Rigel and Betelgeuse - themselves well-know giant stars - point towards Procyon.

And, of course, The Archer is well known in almost every culture, by one name or another, and is probably the oldest recorded constellation, and the most recognizable as well.

I am so glad that you enjoyed this, Judyanne.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

but it's funny as that is why i suggested the change in order of lines 3 and 4
- i felt more the shock of being in the cold driveway with them in reverse order
- still do, but it is your write and i still love it
just wanted you to know that i understood that you wanted that effect..
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you Shirl

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

This poem is teemed with art, seriously great.
Regards
Ayaz

I am glad that you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

If someone were to ask me why I like poetry, I could say "read this. . .This is why I like poetry"

Al

Now, I truly know I have it right.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I appreciate you enjoyment!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.