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A Warrior's Prayer (April's Contest)

When courage dies in hearts of Man
and blood is shed across the land
My God, to You I bow and pray
Be You the light that shows my way

I asked of You to save my soul
and let my blade be firm and bold
to kill the beasts that come to prey
Be You the light that shows my way

Just let me dance with all my will
to slay my foes who wished me ill
Against the odds, I will not stray
Be You the light that shows my way

What be my fate, I will embrace
to live or die without disgrace
I know no fear that makes me sway
Be You the light that shows my way

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I love this - a great entry
i have nothing to offer as suggestion for improvement
best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I can't wait to see the work of the other contestants.

Alid

author comment

A one I wish I have written.
Loved the theme and the meter is great!!
I see you have capitalized the "you" but not in Line 3 Stanza 1
a tiny typo:
to kill the beasts that come[s] to prey......if you mean to refer to the "beasts"
Best of luck in the contest.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Done the edits. Thanks for the wishes.

Alid

author comment

As you have submitted your poem already Having read it with nasty thoughts in my head that it is so good, I shall go and paint on the walls of my cave to see if I can forget its excellence,
Sparrow is sulking.
What more can I say lol, it was great, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

thanks for the comments.

Alid

author comment

I read this not to comment because I am not qualified enough to do that. Good to read the comments of stalwarts. Even without reading those I would have still said I liked it a lot.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Glad you liked it a lot.

Alid

author comment

I like this. The rhyming is wonderful

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I'm just trying my luck.

Alid

author comment

In my opinion this is one of your best poems! :) The poem itself reminds me of the Psalms of David. The flow is perfect and the subject suits the style.

Well done Alid - wonderful :)

Love Mand xxx

Thank you very much. Its interesting that it reminds you of the Psalms when I have never read it before. Anyway I am glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

were not complete.
But here goes: you chose quatrains over couplets. Your line breaks demonstrate it. You did not choose to use couplets. There are multiple rhyme schemes to choose from in quatrain form,
BUT the scheme must be the same for each stanza. Therefore the rhyme scheme of the first stanza:
a-a-b-B must be the rhyme scheme for all following stanza. Your next stanza was c-c-b-B. Different from the scheme you chose in the first stanza.
It was probably missing from the instructions and the judge may have disincluded it to make the poem easier or it was just a mix up.
Now, to the poem. It is nearly profound. Beautifully crafted. You will be competitive in the contest I'm sure.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks for the info. I wonder if I can edit it that much since its a contest. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing another one of the same style and quatern once I have some ideas.

Alid

author comment

I like this a lot. In answer to you question about editing. All contest poems can always be edited up until the 22nd of the month. This gives plenty of time for edits but also gives the contest judge about a week to judge without having to keep going back because of further editing. Now I gotta get something for the contest thrown together lol......stan

I think after this edit, I will leave it as it be.

Alid

author comment

As that is how I read the instructions
But I just popped onto the net, and sites tell me the scheme aabB ccbB ddbB... or other varients - there is nowhere I see that says it has to be aabB aabB aabB....
For eg .... https://www.forwardpoetry.co.uk/kyrielle.php

So have I steered Raj wrong??
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Like I said: the form is maddeningly strict while loose at the same time.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

puts restrictions on you, but I believe that restricting your work is how you learn to use your vocabulary and storytelling techniques as well as influencing the rest of your skills.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

But one little thing - 'A glorious end I will embrace' - has nine syllables
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

must be the word "glorious". Shucks! Not sure what other word could replace it.

Alid

author comment

I've edited the last stanza. What do you think?

Alid

author comment

so even the stalwarts are confused about syllable count and rhyme pattern...but i guess the judge will or rather should go by the instructions in the syllabus...it would be unfair if that isn't to happen...but why should I bother..i am not participating in the contest anyways ..

raj (sublime_ocean)

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