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voices in the wind
`
Rough is the wind that flattens
a tree from its anchored moor,
a destiny not too quick to ruin
presents a whispered word to me:
on we traverse without respite
that weary road we take,
what imprint is left behind
that sweeps relentlessly against these walls--
a spectre of bygone landscapes
whose blustering gusts are raptured calls
`
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Does it read better in couplets or in the original stanza form?
This is now wholly in the present tense as per Anna's previous suggestion.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Wed, 2010-11-24 08:42
Compelling work. Raptured
Compelling work. Raptured call indeed.
I wonder if it might work better if the whole poem is offered in the present tense.
Just a thought.
~A
Rough the wind that flattens
tree from its anchored moor
a destiny not too quick to ruin
presents whispering word to me
on we traverse without respite
that weary road we take
what imprint is left behind
that sweeps relentless against the walls
a spectre of bygone landscapes
which blustering gusts are raptured calls
(whose refers to possessive pronouns, I think)
`
crypticbard
Wed, 2010-11-24 20:29
quite right indeed
Changing the tense would alter the mood and tone and even the meaning of the poem. And yes, 'whose' is used here to indicate the "spectre's" possession of 'blustering gusts.' I am eternally grateful for your interaction and suggestions. Now how does one post two versions of a poem in the one thread(?) :-))
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'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Wed, 2010-11-24 13:19
Your Voice
Your Voice!
Of an
IMPENDING TSUNAMI
Takes my heart beat away
I too wrote one
On the first tsunami
That came my way
Oh that's for you
Just by the way
Your splendid voice
I’d love to hear
In person some day
loved
crypticbard
Wed, 2010-11-24 20:32
magnificent!
... a tsunami tangential! I have not really considered that until your comment. Definitely an apt allusion. I was previously aiming to use the force of nature to link to an internal struggle - so they both run along the same lines. Accept my thanks for journeying with the poem and getting back to me on that end. You are much appreciated.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Wed, 2010-11-24 21:08
lovely comment
ur command of english is acknowledeable
gr88 do keep in touch
and as you gloss over some of mine
do give a blessingfull touch
thankx very much
ru from philipines
loved
lou
Thu, 2010-11-25 00:34
Great
Vocabulary and tone skilfully applied.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
crypticbard
Thu, 2010-11-25 08:00
Thanks Lou
You are much appreciated. Freds.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author comment