Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
TWO DAY HIGH
TWO DAY HIGH
Met only yesterday, unsettled the train:
Two-Day-High, hope we’re meeting again…
Dylan and Cohen and Bobby McGee,
Two-Day-High, you sure were like me.
I didn’t ask for you to come my way,
I’m asking you now, Two-Day-High, will you stay?
And, if you don’t want me, then don’t tell me why-
Just help me get rid of my two-day high.
.
.
Like several of my other songs, this one too is really a poem put to music.
If you'd like to hear this very short song, please click on the link below
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=7463889
.
.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Asia, India
Favorite Poets
Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Roger Waters, Jim Croce, Paul Simon (...albeit not necessarily in that order)
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-01-22 21:21
mmm, tricky.
Musos often have more difficulty than you might expect writing stand alone poetry. The tune helps carry huge mis-stresses in the words. Someone here who can help is docmaverick, he had a lot of trouble making the transition from lyrics to poetry at first but he has worked hard over the more than 2 years I've known him on Neopoet and can now write skillfully in any form he chooses.
Consider the line
I didn’t ask for you to come my way,
reads fine alone, but in context jars slightly rhythmically. Listen to the slight difference of
I didn’t ask you to come on my way,
hear it?
When you're writing as poetry either try to keep the tune out of your head, this might be impossible at first, or ask someone else to read it back to you in natural speech. You will hear where they stumble over meter.
As a poem I like it, neat, simple idea, well expressed. But it reads like lyrics, poetry allows for more complexity because you can rely on the reader to get every word and ponder it in their own time.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Psyve
Sun, 2011-01-23 05:46
Jess
Appreciate your reading this and your commment.
You are right, I guess am a lyricist... Anna keeps trying to tell me there may be poetry in me yet, despite that millstone.
In this poem you have correctly picked on the one line that I am not overly comfortable about myself. it felt clunky when I wrote it some 30 odd years ago and still feels a tad forced now.
The piece runs pretty much as four sets of 3 beats /syllables in each line. i.e.
1-2-3...1-2-3...1-2-3...1-2-3 with the stress HAVING to be on syllable #1 every time. Thus:
" I did- nt ....ASK for you... TO come my... WAY (blank blank)"
works for me MUSICALLY, even if it felt a little clunky in its verbalisation.
Perhaps this works better verbally:
"I nev-er...DID ask you.... TO come my ....WAY (blank blank)."
but THIS isnt really what I want to say....
Needs a bit more thought....
Anyway, I do appreciate your reading this. If you get around to listening to the piece (see link inder the lyric above) I look forward to your thoughts on that version.
Incidentally, I took the time to read your own comeback piece, and from the litany of welcoming words left there by your peers, your credentials certainly appear to be sound! (.... pun unintended, lol)
Thanks
Psyve
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2011-01-23 10:03
I made a point of listening
I made a point of listening to piece only after I had read and commented. It's good by the way.
And I see I was assuming less knowledge and awareness than you have of metrical form, my apologies. Glad it was helpfull anyway.
I really look forward to your new works, anything you care to direct me to of what you've already posted? I'll get to most of them with time but I have a lot of friends here and limited time to get to them all.
Great to see another Aussie on the site, didn't get chased by any bull sharks in the streets of Brisbane? 8)
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Psyve
Sun, 2011-01-23 13:53
Jess
Thank you for the critique, and no apology was needed.
All critique is helpful, if sincerely given and received in the right spirit.... however long one may have been "practicing" this craft.
As regards your request to direct you to some of my other work already posted, I'll PM you separately.
As regards "the other Aussie on this site", I take it you were referring to Seren, who has commented below, since I'm located in Bahrain, quite a few longitudes east of Brisbane :-)
Cheers
Psyve
author commentKailashana2
Sun, 2011-01-23 07:33
Well, whatever the fuck your
Well, whatever the fuck your poem was 30 years ago, if I told you after I heard it I clapped my hands and laughed out loud?
You just sang my life the last couple days. And I think I'll be singing alone.
I listened to this song 4 times now, I can hear no stumble in the lines discussed, but then again, it could be cause I'm there where you were 30 years ago.
~A
Psyve
Sun, 2011-01-23 13:43
Anna,
Its a syntax thing, I'm sure of it!
I'm not sure if I know after reading that, whether you meant you LIKED this one or just found it so ABSURD you had to laugh out loud!
I'll just hope for the best, bearing in mind you've listened to the song a number of times, and there WAS a hand clap involved somewhere , guess I'll leave it at that. lol.
Thank you for listening and responding.
Glad that the verbal clunkiness of that one line didnt seem to offend your sensibilities. :-)
On a more serious note, I'm sorry to hear you say you think you'll be singing alone.
Hope all is well with you.
Psyve
author commentKailashana2
Thu, 2011-01-27 12:41
It's a few days after the
It's a few days after the *two days high*... Psyve. So...
in the theater of my absurdity
two days high I met the shadow
of myself and today I can cry
~A
Psyve
Sun, 2011-01-23 13:41
Seren,
Thank you for listening and reading ... and staying on to comment.
I'm glad you enjoyed both formats of this little poem song.
Incidentally, I very much appreciated Jess' critique too and would certaiinly hope he didnt think otherwise. I certainly took it most positively and my response was just an explanation of my own reasons for my choices made in meter and lyric which I think Jess may be interested knowing about.
Thank you again for your support,
Psyve
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2011-01-23 16:08
high
IMHO some of the best poets of the last 50 years were/are song writers. But this being a poetry site I'll read and comment before listening to the song version. I am by no means a lyricist and barely a poet but 2 things struck me as being stumbles :
L- 1 omit "only"
L-5 omit "for"
just seems to read better that way to me
by the way I enjoyed the read as is and applaud the lack of trying to extend this in a forced manner( something I often catch myself doing lol)...........scribbler
Psyve
Sun, 2011-01-23 22:50
Scribbler
Thank you for listening, reviewing and giving your honest opinion. I do appreciate that always.
As regards the "for" in line 5, I fully agree with you: that is the "clunkiness" discussed in some detail with Jess above.
Not sure I see the stumble on "only" in line-1, though.
In my opinion that word serves two functions: it prevents "yesterday" from becoming literally "yesterday" (... I wanted to say: "We met only such a short time ago" rather than "we met yesterday")... And from a METER point of view it becomes beats 2 and 3 of the first of four rhythmic 1-2-3 1-2-3 1-2-3 1-2-3 beats in the Meter of line 1.
Perhaps it becomes clearer upon listening...
Thank you again for stopping by to comment
Psyve
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2011-01-27 11:05
Dear Psyve,
I both read and listened to the piece. I must be tone deaf or something. Because I didn't hear (or read ) any stumbling. I think you are as smooth as ever in your lyrics. But I was wondering which "Cohen" you were referring to? Is it Marc Cohn? If you haven't heard his lyrics, you should. One of my favorites of his is: "Girl of Mysterious Sorrow." This song of yours reminded me of that. I adore Marc Cohn. If you don't know of him maybe you might look into his music? I think of this because your music reminds me of his. As for your poem and song... I think it is brilliant, it goes with your voice!
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Psyve
Thu, 2011-01-27 16:29
Cat
The Cohen referred to in this song is the brilliant Mr Leonard Cohen: songwriter extraordinaire, and poet laureate of Canada.
I must confess I must say I haven't heard any of Marc Cohn's work, but I WILL look him up, as you speak so highly of him.
Glad you seemed to have liked both the written and sung versions of TWO DAY HIGH. Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment.
Best,
Psyve
author comment