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HANGOVER (updated)

Submitted by Psyve on Thu, 2023-03-23 13:44

It ain't fair that you're still on my mind

It ain't fair, though you don't try

Damn! Damn! Damn!...here you are again

I am what I am, and I ain't what I ain't…

 

And though I've put you down in music and I've put you down in paint

You know I've never really put you down at all

And though the words and music seem to be a little quaint,

It's rock 'n' roll, it's rock 'n' roll…

 

© Cyrus Dali Vesuvala

 

You can watch a performance of this song recorded at home recenttly at this link

https://fb.watch/jshEycOCOR/

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
So, no surprises.... I'm a songwriter, not a poet, and this one is definitely a song lyric. I've posted a link to a PERFORMANCE of the song, (see just below the lyric) so that you can better understand the intent of the piece as performed. I'd be interested to hear what you think of the piece, both as a lyric and as a piece of performed music. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Cyrus
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-03-23 13:44

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Your poem "Hangover" is a poignant reflection on the lingering presence of someone who has left a mark on your life. The repetition of "It ain't fair" and "Damn! Damn! Damn!" convey a sense of frustration and helplessness in trying to move on. I appreciate the use of music and art as ways to express and process your feelings about this person.

One suggestion for a line edit would be to consider changing "It's rock 'n' roll, it's rock 'n' roll" in the last stanza to "It's just rock 'n' roll, it's just rock 'n' roll" to emphasize the simplicity and universality of this form of self-expression.

Overall, your poem captures the complexity and emotional weight of trying to let go of someone who still occupies a significant space in your heart and mind. Thank you for sharing your work with us.n\n\ The above is an computer generated response. Please send feedback through https://www.neopoet.com/contact

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