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IF FLOWERS STILL BLOOM IN BEIRUT

IF FLOWERS STILL BLOOM IN BEIRUT

A chill cuts through my valley,
There's whispers on the wind,
The air is rife with rumours:
Tonight more boys are coming in!

Silently, in pairs or single:
Some are men, some hardly boys.
Some, with money in their pockets,
Some, with bullets in their toys.

Too young to understand their orders,
But the children living there
Know death comes across the borders:
Fear hangs heavy in the air…

Now, from every post and steeple:
Incendiary rhymes;
We’re just ordinary people
Thrust in most extraordinary times…

You and I, we love this land,
But, through our silence there,
The celebrated Foreign Hand
Has spread terror everywhere.

A poison in the water-holes:
A poison that now starts
Poisoning our very souls
And poisoning our hearts.

Though there’s thousands at the rally,
The trees now bear no fruit
And flowers die in my valley,
With poison at the roots…

Still, we hope, despite the Jackboot
And all that blind men do,
For, if flowers still grow in Beirut,
We may live to see them grow here, one day, too…

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

A very powerful poem on a prickly topic. I have some alternatives you can consider :
s-3,l-2 try But the children who are living there
s-3,l-4 change heavy to ever present
s-4,l-2 put broken before rhymes
s-5,l-4 add its after spread
s-6,l-2 change A to the
s-6,l-4 change And to while
s-7,l-2 maybe say what type trees(fig,date,palm)
s-7,l-3 try no flowers grow here in this valley
s-8,l-2 put such after that

This is very good as is, these are just alternatives you may not have thought of...............scribbler

Scribbler,

your version reads below with my original lines in parenthesis at the side of changed lines.

Thank you for your suggestions. Several are valid alternatives.

Appreciate the time you have spent on this.

Psyve

==============================================================

A chill cuts through my valley,

There are whispers on the wind,

The air is rife with rumours:

Tonight more boys are coming in !

 

Silently, in pairs or single:

Some are men, some hardly boys.

Some, with money in their pockets,

Some, with bullets in their toys.

 

Too young to understand their orders,

But the children who are living there                (But the children living there)

Know death comes across the borders:

Fear hangs everpresent in the air…                 (Fear hangs heavy in the air…)     

 

Now, from every post and steeple:

Incendiary broken rhymes;                              (Incendiary rhymes;)           

We’re just ordinary people

Thrust in most extraordinary times…

 

You and I, we love this land,

But, through our silence there,

The celebrated Foreign Hand

Has spread its terror everywhere.                    (Has spread terror everywhere.)    

 

A poison in the water-holes:

The  poison that now starts                             (A  poison that now starts)

Poisoning our very souls

While poisoning our hearts.                             (And poisoning our hearts.)

 

 

Though there’s thousands at the rally,

The date trees now bear no fruit                      (The trees now bear no fruit)

And no flowers grow here in this valley,        (And flowers die in my valley,)

With poison at the roots…

 

Still, we hope, despite the Jackboot

And all that such blind men do,                        (And all that blind men do,)

For, if flowers still grow in Beirut,

We may live to see them grow here, one day, too…

 

author comment

It is late here where I am at so I would like to come back here tomorrow with my feedback if I may. It is a nice poem needs a bit of polish but caught the essence and the image you wanted to express. And where is our new song?

Love and Peace to you and your lady

Ms Mona

I look forward to your comments when you find the time.
Thank you for stopping by
Psyve

author comment

if there be
flowers for Beirut
let not the incendiary kind
burst into fragments
tearing limb from limb

if there be
poison in the heart
let not the well of life
be tainted
to drink the impossible

let no eyes shade the
truth
if even one flower grows...

Hope you don't mind my riff Cyrus, but this poem grabbed me as Beirut and the Middle East
hold a special place in my heart.

~A

Enjoyed your riff.

That said, my song is not about Beirut or the Middle East at all.

It was written about another once-peaceful place, a green valley, suddenly torn and rocked by violence...

I guess its location isnt important, and this song speaks of an insiduous destabilisation the world over.

"....tonight more boys are coming in!"

Thanks for stopping by.

Psyve

author comment

I know exactly to what you refer, Psyve.... more than you can imagine I imagine.

Beirut and the Middle East hold a special place in my heart as does the words of Victor Frankel upon seeing a flower in the midst of Auschwitz .... Only the heart is a green valley no matter where it resides...no matter " that the boys are coming in"...

~A

With your background, of course you do, Anna.
That said this song is not intended to be a diatribe against any particular country.
I prefer it the way I have left it, so that anyone can feel a sense of ...empathy... for the situation without getting political or uptight about it.

P

author comment

A powerful and provocative write. reminding me strongly of the new palestinian tactic of passive protest in the face of live ammunition that we've been seeing the past couple of days.
I like this very much, except for the second stanza, which I feel could use some work.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Glad you liked this overall.
Not sure I know what you feel needs workingupon, in V-2. Would be glad to hear your thoughts.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this.
Psyve

author comment
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