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SunKu 3 Workshop

I’m bored
Life suck
Stuck in this house

I Write
I Create
I Watch YouTube

I Feel
Powerless
Trapped this cage
—-
This room
These four walls
Like a prison

Gotta
Find a park
To nature walk

Swan Lake
I need you
And your life force
—-
Hump day
Will it end
I Feel insane

Nature
I Got to go
And reconnect

My Car down
Somebody
come get me
—-
This house
It drives me
Straight up the wall

YouTube
Videos
Same old drama

A Dinner
At Red lobster
Will cheer me up
—-
Bad news
Hopefully
Not in my path

Sometimes
I forget
To pay a bill

Hopefully
All is well
When I calm down
—-

Editing stage: 

Comments

Good morning, Barbara.
Your poem makes me jump out my house.
It is pleading and motivational in the same time.
One suggestion, do not worry about syllabi count to much. If you want to say life sucks say it, you added ing ending - sucking - it sounds strange to my ear. But I could be very well wrong.

IRiz

"do not worry about syllabi count too much"...is such a compromise allowable in Sunku?..i am a bit confused...

raj (sublime_ocean)

The tone of your poem does it
No I don't have other suggestions

IRiz

Ing was intentional to bring the reader into my presence as well complete the syllabi. Is there’s another way to pull the readers into your present moment, what’s your suggestion

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

Wow Barbara...you have come up with multiple Senrus in one go like rapids...feels like you have let
gates open...I suggest you demarcate each Sunku in the chain...waiting for more of such treats...

warm regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

What’s your suggestion

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

I meant drawing a line after every three stanzas which make a Sunku to separate one Sunku from another,,,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I didn’t reLize a SunKu was only 3 stanzas
This came pouring out and I couldn’t stop till all was out. Lol. Great I’ll create a line after ever there creativity

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

To my opinion, it is one poem, dividing or demarcating it doesn't make any sense.

IRiz

Barbara please ignore my suggestion of demarcation. Seems that the parameter of 3 stanza per Sunku has changed / getting evolved into something else.

Apologies for making a wrong suggestion..

raj (sublime_ocean)

It is not changed.
Simply I want to try all the deviations my heart and yours desire to compare advantages and disadvantages of the form.
However, I think that after the free floating thoughts are placed on paper. They must be perfected to became a poem. Repetition is often makes the message weaker.

IRiz

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

I think demarcation works as well as a long rhythmic flow of thoughts without demarcation. I think the different ways to present SunKu is creativity at its best. I’m definitely the kind of writer that will mindlessly change the style into something unique without knowing it. I write spontaneously as compared to traditional but with structure. That’s why it hard for me to write outside of the 2-3-4. I have many on Patreon Page written in many spontaneous forms. SunKu just entered my head I’ll post it later. I’m learning a lot here. Thanks for including me.

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

MY PLEASURE

IRiz

Anyways I am now in this WS purely for reading and learning....

Best wishes for success of this Workshop...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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