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A Requiem (written as a song lyric)
“I never saw you cry,
though often heard you sigh
above my bed,
you were instead
my first encircling sky,
but that was yesterday and now you’re gone.
Your laughter was to me
a song to oversee
awakening,
I heard you sing
and blossomed into me,
but that was yesterday and now you’re gone.
But that was yesterday and I’m alone.
I never stopped to think just what you meant to me ‘til now.
It seemed it all would last, but then you’re gone from me somehow.
And yet you’re not,
for in my heart
you’re singing to me now.
Remember yesterday when I was young?
It still is yesterday, my laughter’s sung.”
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is a song from Book Two, Canto One of my poem Caco, Man of the Morning Star.
The character Claire is high in the mountains in white watching the smoke of the king's bier some two hundred miles away.
This is the song she sings to him. It is based on a melody I devised.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Southern California
Favorite Poets
Tolkien, Byron, Longfellow, Shakespeare, Dr. Suess, Elizabeth Browning, Robert Browning, Dickinson
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Comments
Rula
Tue, 2015-09-01 05:45
hello sir,
I thought you wanted " requiem"?
like the tenderness in this. It is simple with a very touching message.
However, I always thought songs should have consistant rhyme and rhythm. What do you think?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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wesley snow
Tue, 2015-09-01 11:45
Thank you for the correction.
That's like six this year. I am so very tired.
If you knew the melody you could understand the phrasing. Each verse is all one phrase and therefore like a single sentence. The song sings much shorter than it reads. This is the paradox of the song lyric. It is a unique entity. The melody must come first I deem for that is the essence of the song. Then we match the words to fit the song. Some do it the other way, but I think that limits the song writer in their music.
In a Ballade we also write to be sung, but it is from an era unlike ours where "anything goes" musically (this goes also for poetry... modern times are loose).
The Ballade is a very medieval, even melody repeated endlessly as the story progresses sometimes with a repeating refrain.
After writing the canto this was easy to write. All I needed was the melody.
Being there with Claire atop the crest of a near unscalable mount, near the falls men call the Psalms, all dressed in a great white, silk, robe... all I had to do was sing.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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author commentscribbler
Tue, 2015-09-01 17:08
Hi wes
About all I know about song writing came via Dan before he left the site. If memory serves a song needs a pre- chorus then the main body usually split into at least 2 sections by a chorus then the ending chorus which is Almost identical to the chorus but which wraps things up. I tried it only once in a poem/song called "Front Man Dues". I think you are correct that this needs more length and an introductory pre-chorus would be useful in setting up the singer's state of mind. How's that for a load of B.S. from an inexperienced balladeer? lol.........stan
wesley snow
Tue, 2015-09-01 17:12
Just for fun and you...
I will post the canto with the song. It's quite short.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentSparrow
Tue, 2015-09-01 18:34
Wes
You criticise me for writing a myth free form as a Blog and all I had was a comment on what I did from both you and Jess, so that took up two comments that being the total.
This write is not a poem and should not be here as you said it is a song lyrics and part of an Epic you have been writing for years.
Now I see you have 4 comments and acceptance of this as a streamed work.
Why do some of us bother with supporting this site when it has become a place for some to sing and the backing group becomes obsolete.
I am thinking that this is not the place for general poets but of a few and have been thinking about giving up on the way some of you are dictating the terms of the whole site, I have read your song and your canto from way back when we were doing a workshop on Epics please spare us any more, I think it is time for this site to regain its status, I will watch and wait to see if there is any point to carry on here for a few weeks then I shall decide what I would like to do..
Yours Ian.T
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
wesley snow
Wed, 2015-09-02 13:32
Ian,
I did not say your work was not a poem. I wanted you to post it as a poem. Many poets don't read blogs and if it's a poem, shouldn't it be posted as one? That's all I meant. I'm sorry if I upset you.
The poem I presented could be considered free verse and was actually a small conversation between Stan and I concerning the difference between strict poetry and song lyrics. I posted the whole canto to show Stan where it came from. If anyone wants to comment they are welcome, but I wasn't looking for any other comment than Stan's.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentSparrow
Wed, 2015-09-02 19:39
Wesley
It has been a month now since you visited my writes the last time was during the horror workshop, I expect half of that time you have been busy, but now you are back, the first time you come in is to complain that one of my writes should be a poem but it already was, and no comments are there, so you would think I am allowed to get angry as usual, with the way the site is going.
I probably have been one of the most prolific commenters on this site, as I read every new poem and reply to any comments I have of my critique or any comments left on my writes.
I had been spending at least two and a half hours per day on site, the end product is being put in a position of having to do wrong to be answered by more than two poets,
You work it out, I am usually here for any poet and they know that, so where do we go from here.
As I have said to Chrys I shall wait for a week or so and then decide what to do, I have asked to be removed from the metaphor workshop but that is on hold,
I shall be here a while longer, Yours, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
wesley snow
Thu, 2015-09-03 15:10
I am really sorry you think I was insulting you.
I agree that you are perhaps the most active participant on NeoPoet and you have always tried to be helpful.
I wish I had the time to read every poem, but I'm lucky to carry on with my responsibilities as Workshop/Mentor Director.
I have been trying to find more time for the site because I also believe there is not enough exchange of ideas on the site right now.
It feels a little tired and I don't like it.
I'm trying to tell you in my rambling way that your participation is appreciated by me.
Not sure, though, why we're having this conversation here. PM me and we can talk.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentChina Blue
Mon, 2015-09-07 12:38
Wes
what would the time signature be on this and where would you put the bridge a refrain
it needs more pm me if you need a collaborator on this one
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-09-07 17:27
Time signature is four four.
I wrote a very strange thing. I wrote a song whose phrases are too long for me to sing appropriately. You need to hear the melody to understand. I think it's quite pretty and it works for me. The important part is the poem within the poem. The free verse within the structured. I need to post the canto so it's a little clearer.
No one but you and Stan would notice. Maybe I will.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
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