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Red Shift...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2023-12-13 00:05

Speed away time
in the rear-view mirror
Red-shifting days
gone is the year

Think coming months
I beg of you
Oh, crimson tide
shift now to blue

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
As something passes and speeds away, it turns red. The fast, approaching thing, will be blue.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
2023 Celebrate The Year Image Prompt
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-12-13 06:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Red Shift" presents an interesting exploration of time and change through the metaphor of color shift. The use of scientific terminology, such as 'red shift', adds a unique layer to the poem, potentially drawing in readers with an interest in physics or cosmology.

The poem could benefit from further development of its central metaphor. The 'red shift' and 'blue shift' are introduced, but their significance is not fully explored. Elaborating on these concepts could deepen the poem's thematic resonance.

The command in the final stanza, "Oh, crimson tide / shift now to blue", is a strong emotional note to end on. However, the poem could be strengthened by providing more context for this plea. Why is the speaker asking for this shift? What does the shift from red to blue signify for them?

The poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme are consistent, which lends a sense of cohesion to the piece. However, the rhythm could be varied to create more dynamic pacing. For example, the second line of each stanza could be shortened to create a more abrupt rhythm, reflecting the swift passage of time that the poem describes.

In terms of language, the poem is relatively straightforward, which makes it accessible to a wide range of readers. However, the use of more vivid, concrete imagery could enhance the poem's emotional impact. For example, instead of simply stating "gone is the year", the poem could describe specific experiences or sensations that convey the passage of time.

Overall, "Red Shift" is a thought-provoking poem that could be further strengthened through development of its central metaphor, variation in its rhythm, and the inclusion of more vivid imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Unca Fez

Wed, 2023-12-13 05:45

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I never thought of it that way: Our timeline viewed as a velocity causing a phase shift. A very effective metaphor. Speeding away from our past, the light shifts to the red end of the spectrum. Rushing to our future, shifting now to blue. Very well done.

Thanx,
Steve

Geezer

Wed, 2023-12-13 10:10

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I wasn't sure that most people would get where this one was going. The image just reminded me of an image often seen in Sci-fi movies, when the protagonist's spaceship leaves the scene. The red stars made me think of the phrase "red-shift."
which would indicate an object speeding away. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-12-13 06:09

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I think that not many people will understand your poem. But I could be wrong. There just might be a lot of Science Fiction readers making up the numbers of Neopoet! I enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem! I feel light years ahead. what is your background in physics? There is more to "our Geezer than meets the eye!" I love it! Fantastic title!

*Hugs & Wishes, Cat

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RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-12-13 10:19

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As the year draws to a close and things have changed, asking for the next to be better than the last. A good visual of time escaping as we race by. Good job

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Wed, 2023-12-13 10:25

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to Unca Fez, I wasn't sure if anyone would get what I was saying, but I felt that there must be at least a few sci-fi readers out there. Physics? Hell, I can't even do fractions beyond simple addition; I do understand the basic principles of it as a layman, but that's all. I am an avid Sci-fi reader and used to devour the sci-fi at the library in the newest section, when I could still get there. I may try getting there in good weather, and certainly in the Spring, for the book sale. I read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy. Glad you enjoyed thinking about this one. I am tempted to write more about the phenomenon, with another poem about the blue-phase. Maybe even combining the two. We will see. As always, thanks for the read and comments. ~ Big hugs back, ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-12-13 13:41

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When I died in 2010 August 13th, and they got my heart beating again.(I'd had no oxygen to the brain.) I found that my mathematical skills had been taken from me. I had to fight to get back the fundamentals. Now I can do the basics and can spell c-a-t!

*love and wishes, C-a-t!

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Lavender

Wed, 2023-12-13 13:11

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Hello, Geezer,
Love the comparison! The color spectrum is pretty fascinating.
This is really good!
L

Geezer

Wed, 2023-12-13 20:38

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I thought that the comparison was apt. Afterall, time and space are linked by necessity. With the vastness of space, the speed of light becomes relevant. I have tried to use the brevity of the lines to show a time shift. Kind of like the sound of a train horn as it goes by at top speed. I'm glad that you liked this one. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Shelby Pryor

Thu, 2023-12-21 14:58

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I really enjoyed the metaphor use. I wouldn't change anything, looks really solid to me. Great work!!!

Geezer

Thu, 2023-12-21 17:41

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for your read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

William Lynn

Wed, 2023-12-27 11:49

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I get it and I love it! Thanks for sharing, and a well deserved win.

All my best wishes for a beautiful new year. - Will

Geezer

Wed, 2023-12-27 12:09

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I was surprised that it won. I guess that it was better understood than I thought. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Unca Fez

Thu, 2023-12-28 20:10

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Congratulations on winning the contest. Well deserved.

Thanx,
Steve

Candlewitch

Thu, 2023-12-28 20:14

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Congratulations!

*love, Cat
ever, eddy

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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