Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

MEMORIES

Submitted by Sheddie on Sat, 2023-11-11 18:10

Memories of a broken lamp,
Burning away from its own fire,
Sits still on my rooftop of thoughts,
That stench oozing from its flesh,
Quenching the hopes and dreams of brickly flowers,
Proclaiming its deed proudly with a loud stamp,
To fall into traps woven out of its own desire.

Memories of cracked lips,
Broken by words their hearts couldn't carry,
Birthed into this culture, where passion struggle behind bars
No chances given, no corrections taken,
Just a world cruel and sorry for people who don't matter,
We live a life of searching, only to find the lost which never left,
In that place where our ego detested.
After struggling through forest's streets,
Bearing heavy crosses, oh, that calvary
The longing for home calling forth, inviting,
At the end, we are all children of our memories,
In the end, we are all alive.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-11-12 00:10

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "MEMORIES" explores the theme of brokenness and the lasting impact of memories. The use of vivid imagery, such as the broken lamp and cracked lips, effectively conveys a sense of pain and struggle. The poem also touches on the idea of societal constraints and the search for belonging.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the use of punctuation and line breaks to enhance the flow and clarity of the poem. For example, in the line "That stench oozing from its flesh," it may be helpful to add a comma after "stench" to indicate a pause.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from further development of its central ideas. While the imagery is evocative, there is room to delve deeper into the emotions and experiences associated with the broken lamp and cracked lips. Exploring the significance of these symbols and their connection to the theme of memories would add depth to the poem.

Overall, "MEMORIES" has a strong foundation with its use of imagery and

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.