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Lose The Room.

Submitted by scooby on Wed, 2017-03-29 21:34

I'm in an empty room,
the only light I see is
the one coming from
the crack in the roof.
I'm holding onto a rope,
hanging from the celling,
100 feet from the ground.
I avoid looking down so
I don't get to scared. and yet
I still lose my grip. I still slip,
I still fall to my death. all to my
fait that I still haven't excepted.

when you lose your grip
you may be sad, or empty,
or angry, or nothing, or
something else that I'm not
listing. but either way, when
you lose your grip you cant
hold in your emotions. just
like when you fall you cant
hold in your sole.

I'm lucky enough to have
survived that treacherous fall
when I lost my grip and
started to fall I took all
precautions to stay safe.
I calmed down and found
my place on this earth. Its
painful to lose your grip.
it's something no one
should have to go through.

some people are strong enough
to hold on to that rope. others
are even born without a rope.
they are always steady on the
ground. I am not.

but why are we put on this rope?
why are we limited to 100 feet in
this room? why can't we tell that
room that we are strong enough
and we will survive? so that we can
finally shrink the rope and touch the
ground.

then your life starts. your life starts
when you can finally look down and
not be afraid for your life. your life
starts when you can stop hating your-
self. when you can stop looking in
the mirror and asking yourself "why
is this person here?" your life starts
when you can not only shrink the room
but you can make a door and walk out.
you can make money, friends, find love.
when you can finally lose the room.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-04-21 16:47

weirdelf's picture
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I notice you haven't been giving feedback to anyone else so it's a bit surprising you're getting any at all.

This poem reminded me of my favourite birthday greeting-
"You have just survived a reckless 940 million kilometre journey at speeds of over 108,000kmh around the Sun and only fell off the planet a couple of times. Lucky you've got some mates to throw you a rope when needed."

and another I received from my sister fits well with your opening lines-
"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light"

You rely on spell-check too much, there are lots of spelling mistakes but I guess that's not a concern as you do spoken word mostly don't you?

I like the work though it feels a tad wordy to me, perhaps a little editing, say more with less?
Anyhow I hope you like my Aussie accent reading of it, I find it sometimes helps to hear your work in another voice.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1aNotvDY1Gr

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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