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Last thoughts while drowning by Weirdelf (Great Poetry workshop)

haps I should have learned to swim better
maybe it wasn't so smart to paddle out
in a fifteen foot cyclone surf
on a foam board
Mum and Dad
will be so mad
I wonder if
I'll get in trouble?
They say your life
flashes before
your eyes
when you die
this shouldn't
take long,
I'm only
twelve.

Last few words: 
Reading this poem bring much sadness. the ending is what make it great. Finding out its a twelve old worrying more about upsetting his mom and dad instead of the tragedy he was experiencing.
Editing stage: 

Comments

It is exquisitely sad

thanks I agree

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
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author comment

Just what Jess needed.....to be called great lol. But seriously I think the simplicity of words added to the near concrete form of this serve to reinforce the massage and this IS excellent (for a free verse lol).............stan

THANKS, there's another on I think is great also, but I found this one and it too meet the criteria as great so I chose it. I feel same about i's simple concrete form was excellently written. yep a well written memorable free verse

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

thanks it is a really good piece and I think too it is great

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

and others who have commented. I'm totally chuffed.
What can I say? Stan's request in posting other Neopoet's poems was to get suggestions to make them better. One frequent suggestion when I first posted this was that it needed meter, however there are two problems there. One is the concrete, diminishing structure makes that difficult. The other is something I discovered running workshops on meter. Adding or changing meter in a poem already written is to me like repeatedly bashing my thumb with a hammer. It takes great fortitude and perseverence and is seldom worth it. For me, to write in meter, I need to compose in meter.

Any other suggestions?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

"Brainstorming" run by Lou in chat.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

You could try emphasizing the form to make the diminishment more uniform by moving a few words around,BUT if your intent was to convey a more chaotic diminishment then the way it is now is fine..........stan PS in order to give it a bit of rhythm you could throw in a few unobtrusive rhyming words as the lines shorten. Rhymes would not have to be spaced evenly to help this

irregular rhymes is a trick I often use. I will consider it. Ta.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

i think it's great in how he/she drift from one thought to next like the flashes of life, like short mini episodes. one moment he/she concern with padding out too far and drowning
then wondering if mum and dad be upset.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

I hear the bubbles, and the howling wind,
a scream of the last breath,
what a thought, to be in such a situation,
although its kind of complete,
as there isn't anything to do to save the "me"
perhaps one can swim, as one was born in water,
in the mother's womb,
little babies can do it straight after they are born.

But that's not commenting on the actual layout
and content of the poem from the technical point of view.
I find it an odd shape, perhaps trying
to look like the descending, to nothing.
If so it could have been made even more emphasised.

haps I should have learned to
swim better maybe it wasn't
so smart to paddle out in a
fifteen foot cyclone surf on
a foam board mum and
dad will be so mad I
wonder if
I'll get in
trouble?

They
say
your
life
flashes
before
your
eyes
when
you
die
this
shouldn't
take
long,
I'm
only
twelve.

Well great, hm! I am not so sure that this one will reach that status.

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

thanks yeah it does have lots of potential

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

'on a foam board' is a surfer's reference. It means something like a large paddle board, not a proper surfboard at all, and certainly not something equipped to ride large waves, it would (and did) snap like a crisp.
It's not an entirely accurate description but perhaps 'on a paddle board' might be better understood by my readers?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

and I like it now. Good choice, Barbara. I think that the presentation, form and topic all make for a great poem. It may be, that it could dwindle a little quickly in the form, but I think he got it pretty damn close.~ Gee

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thanks I totally agree

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

taking Stan's suggestion and enhanced the rhymes and part-rhymes and Beaus suggestion re the nature of the craft. Not Anne's and Gee's suggestion regarding the form, as surf and drowning are not very concrete.
http://www.neopoet.com/node/last-thoughts-while-drowning-brainstorming-p...

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

poetry with sad sentiments always touch us . We need to read something that shocks us and awakes our grieves every now and then. I think this is how this piece touches me. Great piece and choice Barbra.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

A bit shocking yea, like you said we sometimes need it. It gives us entrance into the unknown we rather not experience but is worth knowing

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

To try and write a Concrete piece about the sea, well our words and lines go longer or shorter, the sea goes up and down.
(Lateral thinking is needed)
In this one it has to stay as it is, we can then say it is the in and out breathing of the boy, to the lap of the waves using the "Snap" of the Board to become the focus point where the sea becomes a breathing thing..
All in all, too hard to make out of concrete.. (Concrete seldom floats)
It is a very good piece as is, without trying to make it into a form.
Yours Ian.T (and "Mulberry Harbours" from me)

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I agree it is best left as it. Sometimes attempting to make a poem perfect makes it less great. The simplicity and not so solid leaves room for readers own imagination

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

Great economy that urges the mind to find recognizable places and perhaps situations. This is a damned fine piece and does indeed get my assessment of being great.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks I do too agree with your assessment.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

Iambic Pentameter poem:-

Poem.....Poem.....Poem.....Poem.....Poem,
Great..... Great.....Great..... Great.....Great.
Grating...Grating...Grating...Grating...Grating
Badly......Badly......Badly......Badly.....Badly.
Written...Written...Written...Written...Written,
By me....By me....By me....By me....By me,
Ian.T......Ian.T......Ian.T......Ian.T ......Ian.T

Couldn't resist this one as it was a play with words La La...Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

and I love you for it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

no one play with words better than you do lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment
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