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Last thoughts while drowning

Perhaps I should have learned to swim better
maybe it wasn't so smart to paddle out there
in a fifteen foot cyclone surf
on a paddle board
Mum and Dad
will be so mad
I wonder if
I'll get in trouble?
They say your life
flashes before
your eyes
when you die
this shouldn't
take long,
I'm only
very
young.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
True story. Rescued just as I lost consciousness. Revised for Great Poetry Workshop. I've taken Stan's suggestion and enhanced the rhymes and part-rhymes and Beaus suggestion re the nature of the craft. Not Anne's suggestion regarding the form as surf and drowning are not very concrete.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Not a word that is not perfection, perfectly placed, used and understood.

WELL DONE!

(And I thank the lucky stars that you were rescued, Jess, perhaps you've really grown into
your shaman skin.)

~A

the first of many near-death experiences I've had. Risk-taking behaviour they call it now days.

The surfer who dragged me in dumped me on the beach, kicked me in the guts and said
"Stay out of the water you stupid little prick"
But I've been out in bigger waves since, ski-ed avalanches, mouthed off to drunken giants. I think my guardian angels must have to work in shifts and have probably developed nervous tics.

Death and life perspectives are essential to any form of shamanism.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
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author comment

After all that is said and done, life is a near-death experience.

;-)

Some of us just get deeper into the deep end.

~A

Its interesting tio see a different take on a theme, i wrote one a year or so ago on taking 6 mins to drowne, they say that's how long it takes, mine dealt with the stages you go through as you drowne. I like your angle. May be we can brainstorm some ideas tonight on how to lengthen it.

I seem to be in search of rythm, maybe this doesn't need it , need to open my mind a little? but i feel it needs a little rythm.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

let's see what we can come up with

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

the only suggestion i would offer, is that perhaps
the first line is superfluous?
i quite like the second line as the opening...for me, your
first line sounds a bit twee and unoriginal

apart from that thought, i can't see anything else that
needs to be improved upon

i love the fact that this does indeed read
as if it is the last thought of a young boy who
knows he's done for...you've captured
that perfectly

also, whether or not it was intentional, i like the structure
of this write...the way the words gradually peeter (sp) out...sort
of dwindle down, as his breath would

cheers
p

I added that first line while workshopping this in chat, and am having second thoughts about it.

On the other hand developed that dwindling structure in the same session, and really like it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Why on earth did you add that first line? It does nothing for the poem. Lead the reader, don't push him in. .... I do, however, like the *petering out* effect P speaks of.

~A

adding it was worthwhile to help me get a feel for the shape of it, but as you and p. and myself noted, it's redundant to the final piece.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Nor much with the new first line, but I'm with lou when he suggests that there is little discernible rhythm. At least as far as that first line. Not the first, first line, but the second, first line.
Like Pleiades, I felt the edge created by it being the thoughts of the dying boy.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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is that if I don't originally conceive the verse in meter, I find it enormously difficult to re-write to imbue it.

I found the 'shaping' an acceptable compromise.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

ain't it though! The organised workshops themselves have done a major job of raising critical levels, hope to see you in my next Shark Pool. Any particular area you would like to cover there? I'm open to suggestions.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Some poems have a rhythm all their own.

If you listen to this very carefully, you'll find it.

~A

until I read it to a friend.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The lines and cadence cascade down to a final breath. Love it.

The lines and cadence cascade down to a final breath. Love it.

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