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Joey is a sea monkey. (metaphor workshop)

Submitted by wesley snow on Sat, 2015-09-19 18:29

Joey was a private eye.
His gun was black and cold
and everywhere that Joey went
the gun would be there bold.

He killed a man the other day.
He does this quite a lot.
Just self defense, he had to say.
He fills the graveyard plots.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my "no metaphor" poem and I'll confess it was hard to be literal. The gun needed to be black as coal.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Hiding emotions in metaphors

Comments

Rula

Tue, 2015-09-22 00:12

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I thought the poem well meets the 2nd assignment, though I would have preferred a more concise subject. I am not sure if you wanted the gun or joy (or may be both) as the target subject, but all in all a fair description of both, and most importantly, no metaphor or simile is used.
Thanks for sharing.

Heading for the next assignment. :)

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wesley snow

Tue, 2015-09-22 15:50

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I seemed to have missed it on the main thread.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Sparrow

Wed, 2015-09-23 04:09

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Damned hard to write, these no Metaphor things, they seem to lack a soul.
Just the last line in your piece:-
the gun would be there bold.
Would "The gun would be there to hold"
be better?
Or does it spoil a form??
I shall be glad when we are normal again lol
Yours Ian..

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Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

scribbler

Tue, 2015-09-22 22:05

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Good shop poem. One thing which makes it so is its brevity which makes it easier to analyze. I fear most of my stuff is tough on shop members because I just don't know when or how to shut up lol.......stan

wesley snow

Wed, 2015-09-23 15:55

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I agree on the verse. It is a metaphor. Your line is not. Technically I failed. Although, the title was a deliberate metaphor. A nonsense one, but a metaphor... or is it a simile?
Argh!

Stan, it was hard to write a "shop" poem. I thought previously that I did not use enough metaphors in my poetry, but it was hard to write around them in this case.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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