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Irish times

bleeding hearts on the side of the road
bleeding hearts cry where wild flowers grow
attach my wings to the tree of life
letting go of the wrong, ever after seeking the right
my heart pours out, my heart pours out

you see, my heart is a complex thing
it cries for those who die
and bleeds for the path of the unfollowed dreams
my heart pours out

one drop, two drops, three drops of whiskey
just enough to make me miss me

so forsee this courage, off I go into the night
spreading these broken wings, anticipating the flight
I don't know how long it takes
before what's lost is found
before I enter Nomads orbit high above the ground.

Irish heather and shades of green, show me where my heart calls home
your beauty is a map
take my hand slowly and I feel less alone
will my heart ever surrender to the norm?
veins bleed out
forever torn

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

with some well spoken words. Parts of it, the last stanza, would make an outstanding song. There are other strong aspects of lyrics in the poem . I could imagine this to music

one drop, two drops, three drops of whiskey
just enough to make me miss me

I just might consider the the wings which became "broken" ...it seems as if your are still able to fly with them and might clarify this point.

Hope you had a good St Pats day!

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you!
Funny you say that, a coworker said the same thing about pairing it with music.
The broken wings I intended to use as a metaphor for the soul which is feeling defeated/broken. But still aable to muster enough strength to find the way home. Would you suggest adding the clairfication into the poem after the few lines? Poetry is still new to me and i appreciate any helpful guidance :)

My saint pats day was excellent and unwinding.
Hope yours was too

author comment

We fly without wings, your write is very good.
Lyrics for a song a true Irish trend.
A new write along the same lines as a song lyric would be great to read.
I am sure there are too many bleeding hearts in there but it is good..
Take care, Yours Ian..
PS:- St Patricks day is a beautiful memory day for me but it is a long story that goes on for Forty years...

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

a down in the dirt people loving angel with a fondness for a wee drop?

That's what this poem says to me.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

when I read it again today it broke my heart.

The line
just enough to make me miss me
is pure treasure.

Normally I have nothing to say after one of Eumolpus' superb critiques but this time I think he was a tad harsh. This poem has great depth, beauty and sadness, yes, it is very Irish.

Tell me what you know about meter. That is where it needs the little bit of work to turn it into a major piece.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Theres guide lines you have to stay within (like meter) and overall consistently to keep your reader engaged. Meter is still a bit confusing to me, I'll PM you what I understand about it.

And thanks Jess.
I wrote this in Ireland in 2017. Was having anxiety come on like a fucking race horse, and feeling a little home sick.
But I was also surrounded by so much beauty. So bittersweet to think back on.

author comment

Longfellow's The Song of Hiawatha is a great example.
The idea is to get the sounds of the various meters into your head so they are not a chore or guideline, but a river for your words to flow on.

That's where most poet's get it wrong, they think it is a cage or restraint whereas it is the opposite.

Just as some people are tone deaf to music some people are meter deaf. Read meter rich poetry aloud to hear if you can feel it. There are many poems read aloud on our Neopoet SoundCloud page and I would be happy to upload any of yours if you record them as mp3 or I can read them myself, sometimes a different voice (with an Aussie accent) lends a different perspective.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

What type of meter is longfellow's under? Imabic? Troche?
I will definitely give it a read out loud and a few more times silently. Thanks for the suggestion!
Will be editing this piece more over the next couple weeks.

Haha good to know. I did enjoy your reading of it in your thick accent. :)

P.s: Do you guys use the metric system in Australia?
Lol I could just Google it but I got you right here to ask.

Kind Regards,
Bjucks

author comment

Here is my reading of your work.
Hope it helps.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/irish-times-by-bjucks

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

It varies slightly with accents. The worst are Southern States Americans, because of the French influence, they use long and short vowels instead of stressed and unstressed.
It's late and I'm tired so this might sound a bit snippy so don't take it personally but do some of your own research, ok?

You got a gift man. Like the metaphor I used before, just want to help you flow with the river of words. It makes poetry easier, not harder.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Major time difference.
Get some rest.
Talk soon

Bjucks

author comment
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