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Wildfire (Primal poetry)

beauty dual movement
atoms pay tribute
translucent fluid greet bones
my fingertips numb to heat
scorching the will to hide

vulnerable glow surveys the land
rising certainty of the blaze
ten thousand degrees
with a three sixty vibration
coursing power through redrock dirt

scorpions venom primitive to my strike
limbs echo past movements
that once held great prestige
in the kingdom of stories past
a looking glass of sorts
drawing in natives and pilgrims
a portal activated by senses
the lucidity of fiery nature

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
The drum beats put me in a state where I could visualize a dance around the fire, a trance like state deepening, an overwhelming sense of movement. Fire, being man's way of survival and expansion back in the hunter gatherer period was the light, the source of the poems topic. I decided not to add any punctuation for now and will focus on that later on.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

so it seems. At least in the first few rounds.
3rd round for me soon.
I think they will get more strange or fulfilling with each session.
Maybe the continuity matters most.
Every day, a half hour, is a good goal imo

Fire hmm.. that would be scary to me. I would want to run I think. You were at a portal? That's very cool.

You don't have the workshop selection in the dropdown on the submission page?
Later,

~Mark~

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And yes all very individual. I think it depends on the person's subconscious. Your writing for half an hour a day or listening to the strange music? Haha. Continuity and an open mind! I'm a fire sign, although it felt intense it wasn't a 'scary' feeling per say.
No not yet! I dont think I've been added formally to the workshop.

Jenny

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way"
A.J muste

author comment

There is much I like about this poem especially the imagery and sonic quality
Where it seems awkward is how it seems to anchored in ego because its written in the form of a declaration ie

The beauty of dual movement
When all atoms pay tribute
Translucent fluid greets my bones
Fingertips numb to the heat
It scorches my will to cry

It may be only an idiosyncratic personal preference but this would have been more eloquent to me if it read sort of like

beauty dual movement
atoms pay tribute
translucent fluid greet bones
my fingertips numb to heat
scorching the will to cry

I don't know if you like the structure better now but it eliminates to many cumbersome articles and Is and mys; streamlines and yet remains personal
Now the poem seems thinner of course calling out for more substance which is where the focus needs to be...at least as I see it ...hope this is useful.

Best Z

dually noted Z.. Your comment is very useful! It's funny how my ego will slip into most writes of mine. Its useful sometimes, but not exactly when trying to write fast and unedited. Will try to notice if its unconsciously slipping in going forward. If willing, let me know what you think now of the update.

Regards,
Jenny

'There is no way to peace, peace is the way.'
A.J Muste

author comment

I'm not sure if you introduced the prosodic values automatically or with consideration but it works either way.

cheers,
Jess
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