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Faces

Submitted by bjucks on Thu, 2019-09-26 21:13

Roses and cinnamon dance,
in dreams, where you may find -
presence of life in holy stance.
Releasing the chaos in mind.
An emotion, flowing into trance.

Tonight, sleep be still and kind.
Tomorrow’s face need not know.
Be it, alive with starry filled eyes;
or a smile worn just for show.

Returning to the epicenter,
to the forefront of one's desires.
A lost soul begins to enter,
initiating the spark to fire.

The moment is here and now.
Timelessness in the present,
infinite, layers upon layers.
Vague faces screaming somehow,
amongst a field of masked players.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2019-09-27 10:36

Geezer's picture
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that you had some difficulty in getting your rhyme scheme together. Then once you did, you paid more attention to making rhyme than the sense of the work. You have some great lines here :

"The moment is here and now
Timelessness in the present
Infinite, layers upon layers
Vague faces screaming somehow
amongst a field of masked players.

One that did not do it for me:

Effervescent prism light
surely surrounding, divine vessel.

Besides the fact that it did not rhyme or seem to connect to the preceding line.

~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

bjucks

Sat, 2019-09-28 23:45

bjucks's picture

Thanks for dropping by with a comment!
Would you say I went off track with the theme?
And focused more on the rhyme.
I know its can be quite jarring to the reader or the flow of the piece. I was excited to post this and now have a better idea of what needs to be taken out completely or replaced with different wording.

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way."

BJ

author comment

Sparrow 42

Sat, 2019-09-28 03:58

There may be a need for simplicity in your words,
I have just read two of your works and there in the spaces betwixed a furry of dictionaries long words there was a lovely theme.
I don't spend so much time here now, it takes a lot to read so many poets and comment.
I shall leave the complexity of sorting things to the younger ones.
We need more young ones here to comment on works.
Take care and keep writing,
Yours Ian ..

Words can build a nation

bjucks

Sat, 2019-09-28 23:52

bjucks's picture

Your comment cant help but make me smile Ian.
You must have been one of the originals when the site was first available.
I will keep simplicity in mind, while chipping away at these deep feelings and insights in my head.

Take care as well.

BJ

author comment

Sparrow 42

Sun, 2019-09-29 03:36

As you grow older I am sorry the short term memory flows away to that of a goldfish,
and since the start of Neopoet I have been around the bowl a few times lol.
I joined as Ian T a while ago BC "before collapse" then had problems with passwords and now from Sparrow to Sparrow 42.. 42 being the answer to everything things seem to have settled lol..
It is excellent when poets communicate with each other I remember that they use to walk around in groups also the Artists as Gauguin and Van something use to live together, but enough of my past lol Thanks again you take care and keep writing, Yours 42 something x

Words can build a nation

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