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Remember to forget

Submitted by bjucks on Fri, 2020-01-03 17:43

It’s strange how life unfolds for some
When bare feet are stepping ahead
One foot at a time, charged to run.
Its visible her footprints are falling;
sinking deeper into earth’s crust.
What did those prints leave behind?
Nor fealty, or a dawning sunrise.
Forgotten love and a path mistook.
Burdens weighing heavy, overlooked.
With a sharp mind and canine teeth,
wild fears gazing from underneath.
Not a stranger knocking at her door,
their ways apparent most of her life.
Bound to the mystic and the dark lore.
Just beneath the surface karma waits.
A sail in the wind of her darkest nights,
ready to flood through fiery gates.
Past life lessons bound to her fate.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
Coming face to face with fears, being forced to see.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

bjucks

Sat, 2020-01-04 16:43

bjucks's picture

Haha i like that. Perhaps trust is a secret that never comes home, and something we have to learn to be okay with as we grow? It's a test of your will when you go through a slight depression.
We do only have the one life to live on this plane. Best make it a good one!
Thanks for the drop by, and I will clean up some of the rhymes near the beginning over the next while.

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way" - A.J Muste

author comment

Eumolpus

Sat, 2020-01-04 11:08

Eumolpus's picture

Nice charged images and pace. The poem leaves me with strong emotion.
My only suggestion is about “run run run” which for me feels a little Dick And Jane children books, perhaps before your time...
“See spot run run run”. (Spot was a dog). But other than that i think that’s the only device which falls a bit flat here in a work of such rich imagery

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

bjucks

Sat, 2020-01-04 16:46

bjucks's picture

Thank you Eumolpus. I think some of the best works we can produce sometimes comes from a void of your true emotions.
Changed that line to something less Dick and Jane. haha

Take care,

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way." - A.J Muste

author comment

Eumolpus

Sun, 2020-01-05 15:17

Eumolpus's picture

I think that covers it more poetically. My take. Glad you agree. Good poem!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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