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Invisible Heart...

The longing in his eyes is obvious
She doesn't know his side-long glances
How can she be so blind and miss
He keeps giving her, so many chances

His heart pounds and skips a beat
Her brush of slender hand is wild!
She's looking down at her feet
He's feeling like a bumbling child

Oh, fates and gods, please have a heart
Touch her mind and let her know
He won't trust his lips, for his part
She can't tell him that she loves him so

On and on, they come so close
Cupid; shoot them full of love and hope
Give them the treatment, full arrow's dose
Don't let him feel like such a dope!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

..bittersweet experience. You are a regular romantic, Geezer.
The title's so-so..I think you need to push the secretive side of it with the title
Your rhyme and rhythm is as always spot on.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

not sure of a better title though. Got any suggestions?
~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

...something to do with invisibility, unclaimed, shrouded, muted? Any of that help?

Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Thank you, the new title for this is: Invisible Heart. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

How about "chomping at the bit" for a title?
He seems so keen it's almost animalistic in nature.

Hope they get it on someday!!

Obi.

I was looking for a purer sort. Yeah, I know; "no love like the first time".
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Nice work how about something like
And If She Only Knew or Tales Of A Longing Heart s
was that more of what you were looking for?

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

the suggestion, but I think I will stick with Invisible Heart. Nice to see you! Hope you are feeling well enough to start posting soon. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

I liked the overall poem and the title to match. I particularly liked the line "How can she be so blind and miss."

"To fly is to fall."

I'm glad to see that you are getting into the spirit of things and leaving comments. As my signature says; even if you just say I liked it and this is why, it helps a poet to feel connected to the reader. And don't be afraid to say that something is not quite right or could be improved if you feel that way. Most of us will react well to that and if we feel that you haven't grasped the line properly of the focus of the poem, we don't get angry. Some of us will take the time to explain. [At least I will]. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment
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