Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I missed it

Submitted by t. reflexion on Tue, 2012-05-15 00:39

I missed the point by being naïve
That was long ago in time past
When I resolved to be honest
Straight and trusty in my dealings
This great step passed commendation
But lacked the tact in rough weather
When wolfs from dark shadows
Stalked unsuspected passers by
I became the easy game hunt
A victim’s mentality sown
In the head of a full blown man
You broke the law of the council
By hauling eggs in one basket
Trusting too much in what you hear
Or doing what you considered right
You toiled on the agreement reached
Unaware of the silent shift
Till your partners are miles away
And couldn’t hear and feel for you
Fate of man, not in his glory
His beginning ends in silence

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-05-28 02:24

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

I have read this twice, the words and descriptions are there fine and strong.
I am not sure which form this poem follows or even if it should but this has the bones of a good poem, just from my point of view it could do with having a flow to the lines a rhyme or something to hold the reader..
Read it out to yourself or have someone read it to you then we will see what happens.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.