Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

HOMECOMING

Submitted by Sheddie on Tue, 2023-09-19 15:41

Watch the sun reclining into its shelter,
How it folds, journeying for rest,
Watch the stars dwindling when it's dawn,
Lights burning out, fading into afterlife
Time tells our story, ends our reign
There's no rest on life's street, no home to play,
Forever ever, plus ca change
Bells on pause, waiting to jingle the signals
The road calls to end when home comes

Homecoming, a day when nothing matters
Winds stretching burly hands, owls whistling softly,
Empty walks through, resting on the palms of the pilot,
A last chance to stare through the ride,
Moments of tears, joy, success, sheer regrets
Chuckling, tears washing away life's garment
All struggles, achievements whispering byes
Reality opens up, nothing to remain same,
The road calls to end when home comes

Homecoming, never live so free to forget,
Only dusts without stains will Angels follow
Every man builds his own home,
Every action leads to an abode,
Every way, a different paradise
The road calls to end when home comes

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-09-19 21:41

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Homecoming" explores the theme of finding solace and belonging in the concept of home. The imagery of the sun reclining and the stars fading into afterlife effectively conveys the passage of time and the transient nature of existence. The repetition of the line "The road calls to end when home comes" emphasizes the longing for a place of comfort and familiarity.

One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the imagery and sensory details in the poem. For example, instead of simply mentioning "empty walks," you could describe the sound of footsteps echoing through the deserted streets or the feeling of the wind brushing against the protagonist's face. Adding more vivid descriptions can enhance the reader's connection to the emotions and experiences conveyed in the poem.

Additionally, consider varying the structure and rhythm of the poem to create a more dynamic flow. While the repetition of certain lines can be effective, it is important to balance it with other poetic techniques such as enjambment or varied line lengths. This can

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.