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Haunting Me...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2024-01-16 15:01

Unexplained whispers
creaking in the floors
Ghostly sighs and rattles
of the knobs upon the doors

Could it be the house is weary?
All these lives it's had to bear
from dancing in the bedroom
to shrieking, pulling hair

I think that I can hear them,
thoughts telling me to listen
I've heard them many nights
alone, out in the kitchen

The 'fridge' grumbles to itself
as I shut the open door
"I just want a sandwich,
that and nothing more"

But here they come again,
little paws with nails
scratching on the tiles
I almost see their wagging tails

The old lady had two tiny dogs
they ruled the yard out there
She yelled at them, to "Get those squirrels"
they looked at her, like where?

Settle down, motley-crew
I'm burning midnight oil
I'm writing stories here
please, be quiet while I toil

My tea got cold, while I worked
Good night, my ghostly friends
there be word limits here, make it short
because this is where it ends.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
01/24 My House is Haunted
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-01-16 21:01

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem demonstrates a keen sense of narrative and situational awareness. The use of auditory imagery, such as "Unexplained whispers" and "Ghostly sighs and rattles", effectively sets a haunting tone. The anthropomorphism of the house and the refrigerator adds a layer of depth to the poem, suggesting a deeper connection between the speaker and their surroundings.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of meter. The rhythm fluctuates throughout the piece, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the line "I'm thinking, "I just want a sandwich, that and nothing more"" is noticeably longer than the other lines in its stanza. Consider revising for more consistent syllable counts or rhythmic patterns.

Additionally, the poem's use of dialogue and direct address to the "ghostly friends" is somewhat jarring, as it shifts the tone from eerie to conversational. If the intention is to lighten the mood, this could be made clearer through the use of more humorous or light-hearted language. If not, consider maintaining a consistent tone throughout the poem.

Lastly, the final stanza breaks the fourth wall by referencing the word limit of the poem. While this can be an effective technique in some contexts, it seems to detract from the overall narrative and atmosphere of the poem. Consider revising this stanza to maintain immersion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-16 15:20

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I see places that could us punctuation. I very much like this poem. It rolls right along without snags. I like its rhythm. You may want to work on the end?

*love, Cat

*
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Unca Fez

Tue, 2024-01-16 15:27

Unca Fez's picture

I've always believed that houses have memories. It's just that not everyone can perceieve them. Nicely done.

Thanx,
Steve

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-16 15:38

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Good luck on the contest!

*love & hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Tue, 2024-01-16 17:16

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The stories I am sure they would tell. They have seen more then we probably ever have. I like how yours tells different tales. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

Tawny023

Sun, 2024-01-21 05:38

I really identified with this as most authors and poets work deep into the night. Sometimes a thought is so overpowering sleep can wait as it must go down on paper at once. I felt like I was brought into the living space of a haunted creative.

Geezer

Sun, 2024-01-21 20:40

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I've got a place or two to make adjustments, but I'm pleased with the overall poem. Yes, haunted creative. Just what I intended. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Jokerface82

Fri, 2024-02-09 19:28

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I see Punctuation and just basic

Geezer

Fri, 2024-02-09 22:18

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I need to go over this and make a couple of changes. Thanks for the read and comments.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

nokros

Sun, 2024-02-25 23:31

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am always jealous if I see a line like that. well done.

Geezer

Mon, 2024-02-26 02:21

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for your read and comments. I think that houses must have an emotional reservoir, especially older houses.
Having such varied emotions and energies contained in one spot, for lots of years? Absolutely! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

nokros

Mon, 2024-02-26 06:13

nokros's picture

that the poetic prowess comes through even in the comments!

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