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foreign taste

I was minding my own business
happily driving along
joining with the radio
in a Slim Whitman song

when clear out of the blue
a white light appeared
and before I knew just what was what
everything went really weird

I found myself staring at our blue-green globe
through a large semicircular window
and surrounding me were very strange creatures
strumming guitars (I wish I'd took a photo)

and since I'm usually pretty smart
when things need to be deducted
it dawned upon me, then and there
that I had been abducted

turns out they wanted to learn more
'bout Slim's drifting with tumbleweeds
about the truth of his secret love
and his various other misdeeds

was he truly back in the saddle again
and was my real name Rose Marie
and had I heard the soundtrack to 'Mars Attacks'?
it's a sin to tell a lie, they reminded me

and what's the difference between the cattle
and the Indian love call?
the driver of the ship then spoke
'a bargain let us make' he drawled

'I'll pilot thee beyond the sunset
then take you home again Kathleen
if you will show us how to yodel
for when Slim does, our fans all scream'

and the moral of this story is
don’t drive and sing with Slim
if you want to avoid these aliens
that seem to really like him

and just call me lonesome but
I’m casting my lasso to the sky
for I’ve become a lonely wanderer
reminiscing, since that flight, this fool such as I

I’ll be home for Christmas
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
thought i'd try a story docmaverick style xx how did i go doc?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the humour in this one. You stuck with the theme all the way through and I like the references to the different artists. My only complaint is, that you varied the rhythm so much and so quickly that you mixed them. I love the style you chose, but you should hold to a pattern or two so that one doesn't get caught up in wondering why the poem shifted gears in it's rhythm. ~ Gee

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i'll look at the meter again sometime, but it was really just for a bit of fun - to write a fun story like doc often does.... and i was more concentrating on adding the song titles than being too concerned about the rhythm - lol my bad...

although on re-read i don't mind the extra length lines...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Great poem, made me chuckle anyway. For me it would have been "Lonesome Highway" by Shane MacGowan my second favourite country song, hey if it sounds country then it is country. First is "Lost Highway" or "Angel of Death" by Hank Williams. Strange aliens digging country, wonder what their native catterwawling is like. Only one small correction in the line "the driver of the ship" isn't that the pilot. Otherwise I liked it. ThanX for sharing.

John

glad you got a chuckle from it

i originally had the 'pilot of the ship' - but then i repeated 'pilot' in the next stanza as part of one of the song titles - so changed it...

not sure if i want to change it back and repeat the word

lol - as the narrator is a pretty dumbass female perhaps she doesn't know the correct name for the driver of a ship :(

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

No I agree its wrong to have the same line or word repeated so close in the poem. But I still think "driver of the ship" so wrong. Maybe dig out your thesaurus on that one.

John

ok - you win
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Just my small opinion hope you don't mind. I know that doesn't help much. Just needs tweaking thats all.

John

can spoil a poem john
your crit was more than helpful
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Doesn't matter really.

Cool poem.
Here are some of my thoughts. Trivial first... I'd go with "Driver" because that's what we call the guy with the reins on a cart or stagecoach.
As to the meter, I would condemn you of writing more a "Lonnie" as opposed to "Doc". The meter slips and slides all over the place, but like Lonnie's (for the most part) it feels just fine. There are several lines that simply don't work. Either too long or a misplaced stress.
I don't think I would call this storytelling even though all of the requisite parts are present. I would likely reserve that moniker for something with more depth.
As light poetry though, it kicks alien butt. With my health problems of late I don't smile or laugh very much. This gave a giggle.
Thanks.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for the read and comments

no, it's not for a workshop - i was just letting off a bit of steam from the structure workshop lol

and i'm glad you like 'driver' - 'helmsman' didn't feel right to my tongue - i'm going to change it back, with apologies to john

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Its your poem so long as it feels right to you thats whats important. Stay true to your poetic voice,

John

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