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Don't give me that bullcrap about trying

Submitted by Edevold on Mon, 2010-11-22 14:42

So, you say you tried.
Don't give me that bullshit
It didn't require
someone who'd try
and you shouldn't get in the habit
of trying anyway
just get it accomplished
display some damned
adaptibility
and some gumption
make it happen
The outcome should be determined
before you even start
and then your effort
produces a finality
and a completion
The result doesn't have to be perfect
or even pretty
what matters is that you
see it through, to
the end

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Psyve

Mon, 2010-11-22 15:58

Psyve's picture

I read it a little different from Xena.

I dont think it's asking one to TRY, at all...

To the contrary, I read this as: "Dont tell me you TRIED. Just make sure you follow the task thru till the end and get it DONE!"

Enjoyed the rant.

Psyve

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-22 16:37

Race_9togo's picture
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The title is good, it's what drew me to the piece. The beginning and ending are also good.
I have a completely different interpretation of this piece, though. I hear the voice of some jack-off intimidating and brow-beating. No reflection on you or the poem, the poem is very good,
getting the point across very well, but the voice, to me, is that of a bully.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

brittle light

Mon, 2010-11-22 17:47

brittle light's picture

I like the subject matter, the way it is presented, the clarity. and a definite point of view.
I don't hear the voice of a bully at all. It is the voice of exasperation, like father to son.
A bully does not explain his reasoning. Exasperation is commonly confused with anger.
Blunt, direct straight talk isn't hurtful.

this was a refreshing style to read, done well.

with respect to all

Al

Edevold

Mon, 2010-11-22 21:06

Edevold's picture

Thanks a bunch, I appreciate the comments and feedback.... I'm not the best at commentary myself, and I don't know alot about writing and poetry... I just sit and hammer it out now and then.... and I'm going to try - HA - to write more and more in the future.... If anyone wants to read it? That's the question.... but I'll just type it out - neither perfect or pretty .........

I

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-22 21:43

Race_9togo's picture
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I will read it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Kailashana2

Tue, 2010-11-23 06:55

Failure is not an option?

;-)

~A

Geezer

Tue, 2010-11-23 08:12

Geezer's picture
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provoking, as one can see by the comments. Liked it a lot! I can see that you will do very well, and promise to read your work often. ~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Edevold

Tue, 2010-11-23 08:23

Edevold's picture

Experienced my share, or more than..... , if one learns something from failures??? failure is some sort of partner with doing, the failing is not what's important, learning something is,,,,,, and, anticipating failure and not making a decent start is letting failure win, or at least giving failure a headstart I could go on and on on this subject that I haven't given much thought......... So, to change the subject - Is that esoteric symbol a sideways happy face??

I

author comment

Victorclaude

Tue, 2010-11-23 08:30

Victorclaude's picture

Sorry if this is off the wall, but this piece reminded me of my drill instructor in boot camp. And like this piece and the DI, both want the troop or listener to do well, and exhort with vituperative language, and impatience.

There is no doubt about it -- this piece makes its point.

Pretty cool.

Victor

"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."

Unknown (at least to me)

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