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DAWN IN AFRICA
Legendary tales, befitting oratures,
Gives me the sign of hope.
Pleasant folklores, dancing moonlights
Takes me through the realm of the waterfalls.
Amazing spectacles, spicy specials,
Adorned in seamless, stress- less climaxes.
Listen, o listen, to the splashing runs of eventide,
When the sun retires to fill its stomach,
Little birds chirping, streams clattering, rivers calling forth,
How the children dine in sands, playing joyfully.
Listen softly, o listen,
Agility, walking briskly, proud fortunes,
Manliness returning from the day's till,
To rekindle on the belly of many wives,
In the midst of chattering, bare bodied tommorows.
Listen, calmly do listen,
To the clashing thuds of mortared dishes,
Beating in rhythm,
To the masterpiece time of the bubbling pots,
Welcome to the dawn of beauty,
The beautiful African dawn.
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Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Nigeria
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-08-20 00:10
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Dawn in Africa" captures the essence of African culture and nature through vivid imagery and rhythmic language. The use of alliteration and repetition adds to the musicality of the poem. However, there are a few suggestions to enhance the overall impact:
1. Consider varying the sentence structure: While the poem has a consistent rhythm, the repetition of the same sentence structure in some stanzas can make the poem feel monotonous. Experiment with different sentence structures and lengths to create more dynamic and engaging verses.
2. Expand on specific details: The poem briefly mentions "legendary tales" and "pleasant folklores," but it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or descriptions to paint a clearer picture for the reader. This will help to further immerse the reader in the African setting.
3. Develop the theme: The poem touches on various aspects of African life, such as nature, daily routines, and cultural traditions. To strengthen the theme, consider exploring one or two
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Triskelion
Sat, 2023-08-19 18:43
If I may..
..offer this. You need to open this piece with a stunning image of the dawn if you want the title to have relatable impact. It is also needed to prepare the reader for the grand language that follows.
I hope my forward critique is not considered harsh, but it was so obvious, I thought you should know...of course, that's just my opinion!
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Triskelion
Sat, 2023-08-19 18:46
Oh, yeah...
I like the use of the word "till" in S3,L3
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Lavender
Sun, 2023-08-20 01:32
Dawn In Africa
Hello, Sheddie,
This is quite beautiful and impactful. However, except for the last two lines, the poem seems to be describing and referring to the evening hours, or dusk. All the senses come alive and beautifully describe what appears to be the end of day. You may want to revisit your title, or include more imagery and reference to dawn. Nonetheless, stirring reflections of earnest daily life.
Thank you,
Lavender
Geezer
Mon, 2023-08-21 12:47
I think...
I will have to agree with that. I was reading it as though it were dusk, without paying a bit of attention to the title!
The words and lines were that powerful, so as to completely annihilate the title!
Nicely done!
~ Geezer.
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