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Companion

An expected visitor vying to hold
what's become of vixen lady, once gold
stronghold to emotions eerily grasped
a fool lady, cradling anxietys baby

Punctured armor protecting what's prudent
strength: slowly surfacing after suffocation
visitors back: bearing the blatant truth
vixen ladys companion vanished her youth

It sucked her dry with internal despair,
a well so deep with no water to hold
she longs youths return, in tighter clothes
no companion in sight, worries yet unknown

Fool lady, did you ever stop and think,
if caution was used upon cradling baby
Would heavy weight turn to gentle wisdom?
enticing companion in trying state

A vacation from visits happens time to time
deemed important for the sanity train
that runs wild and sporadic in ladys brain
providing clarity whilst breaking the chain

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can't help feeling it would benefit from a few more prosodic values, it is almost prose at times. Perhaps some meter here, alliteration, assonance or consonance there, maybe even rhyme.

There is a lot of great stuff here. Do you intend to work on it more?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I do plan on working on it some more!
It's an important poem to me and want to make it something I'm proud of. I'll work on adding some alliteration and rhyme (since I'm not horrible at rhyming) and more structured metre into it. Comments always appreciated! When a poem is updated from the users side, is it automatically reposted to the stream?

Regards,

Bjucks

author comment

It then shows a 'Revisions' tab so that you, and us, can compare changes.

A trap for young players is if you get all motivated and revise all your works in a few days it will seem to 'Flood' the Stream and people are often unimpressed [smiles].

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

only a minor typo in line 3
(eerily....)

Typo noted, lovely,❤

author comment
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