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Choke Apathedics

Submitted by scooby on Mon, 2018-08-13 13:45

I hid a note,
Underneath my shelf yesterday.
It's in my throat,
Stuck on all the things; I’m scared to say.

I'm a fool
I don't mean to make a shitty day.
Stuck in a pool,
Filled with my own blood -- won't go away

I’m trying,
My mind is screaming
Louder than last week.
No cryin’,
All I want to do
Is go and tweak--
I am sad,
I am broke.
Don't be mad,
Hide my cloak.

Don't be scared,
Please don't worry,
I'm trying
To be less annoying.

Im dizzy as fuck,
But I don't know why.
Just out of luck
Maybe I'll just overdose
-- die.

Don't make a nuse,
Turn that rope into a gown.
They’ve called a truce,
Your demons surrender their hometown.

You think they’ve gone away,
But I can see (by the way you say)
That you’re okay-
They are not.

Don't take those pills,
You’ve got a dozen in your hand,
No dollar bills,
Can take away what you have planned.

They say, don't drink,
But you’re at your brink,
They say, to smile,
But that would take a while.

They called you stupid,
But then they cried.
They see that you are dead,
(they ‘re not sure how)
But their words got in your head.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Mon, 2018-08-13 13:51

a poem which demonstrates how fragile our mind can be...very vivid..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Tue, 2018-08-14 17:28

Geezer's picture
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to pass by this one, but, I thought that I might make a difference here. It's hard to critique a poem such as this. I guess I should start with the title. A title is meant to give the reader an idea of what the work is about or at least, a reason to read it. I fell into the category of those who just wanted to know what the title means. Of course it's a made up word [Apathedics]. I did think I would discover what it meant! I didn't get a clue from the poem. You seem to be stretching for the rhyme, sometimes it makes sense, other times not. Don't make up words to get the rhyme! Use the dictionary! Expand your vocabulary. I can understand the theme and it has some appeal. I think that your first stanza is good, but maybe you might have it say: " Words in my throat" instead of "it's in my throat" After all, you have just said that the note was under the shelf? The beginning, as I said; was good and the ending has potential. Try: "They called you names
Watched as you cried
Now you are dead
They realize
Their words got in your head."

I hope this helps and I wasn't too hard on you. I only took the time to critique this, because I thought it can help to make this a better poem and help you express yourself in a way that others will understand. That is what it's all about, right? ~ Geezer.
.

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