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Chill of September

Chill of September
Fall approaches
The north winds rolls in
As the fair comes to town.

Children ride merry go rounds
Tiny women sits behind a curtain
Carnival music and food doubles in price.

Police descends on the crowd
Carefully watching for agitators
Hired to maintain order.

The youth fight
Gets thrown in jail
Moms standing at the gate
Hoping it's not her child.

As moms take their children by the hand
Others get a call to pick them up at the precinct.

Editing stage: 

Comments

sounds like an ordinary day...
an end of season...
the thrill..the pent up worth of it
like roosters and crows
vying for the all...

and the mom's
happy with them in tote
and when grown
waiting for the call...

my flesh and blood
for fathers
we create
but we do not have
what women own
the bond

love of a child for its mother
is special
like that of a mother to child
if all is well

i remember i was allowed to go
to our little fair a few times
but she liked to keep us home
aware of the world

my favourite movie of my childs
when i still looked after her
before our war that broke us all
apart....was pinnochio
that island he visits

we have the conklins set up in our
city.....rides...games....an expensive
thing...but a fun moment

a good write Barbara

Thank You!

thanks, glad to hear from you. May I place this piece on my community page on fb to add to this piece as a co-write from me and you. I think its is really good and morph with mine nicely

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

im working on letting go....many things.....means my arms are empty
and maybe able to hold something other then the fear based vestiges
i no longer really need.....

thank you!

in the light of recent events:-

Others get a call to pick them up at the precinct.
Or identify them at the morgue.

Tiny women sits behind a curtain [woman]
Carnival music and food double [in] price.
Police descend[s] on the crowd

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

thanks for the critique. For the last several yrs its only been at the precinct. but this fair in this climate I'm fearful and hope it won't be at the morgue. It'll be the first times teens and young ppl get gunned at the fair by over zealous police in our town.. it happens here, but not as often as in some towns.

I'll make the changes in your suggestions.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I loved seeing through this little window into ordinary American way of life - it is full of energy, colour, fun and yet blighted with danger, suspicion and lawlessness. ( not excluding the police - who seem to be a law unto themselves ). I think you nicely highlight this paradox in the poem!

Charging double the price when the carnival's in town happens here in Britain too.

I can't see anything to critique :)

Great write

Love Mand xxxx

thanks, your critique is welcomed and I'll make the changes in your suggestions.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I'll just comment on the dark nature of this. Far darker than I'm used to seeing from you. I hope you don't stay that way, but return periodically to your lighter nature.
Good poem.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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A dark nature is what I'm living. This piece is my life. its what I live on a daily basis and the fair has been my life since my kids were teen. I just feel this yr. going to be a bad dark fair for blk kids. I'm usually not wrong about bad vibes. I just hope our teens and young ppl won't go from being arrested to being gunned down at the fair for arguing and fighting with each other.

I'm plan to write lighter poems. bad news just gets more shocking every day. The callous attitudes of some ppl just sickening when they try to justify the unjust things ever to ppl of any race anywhere in the world.
thanks for reading

Thanks clad you think its a good one. .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

You have nicely given voice to your sentiments and as rightly commented by Mand drawn attention to the paradoxical scenarios happening in real time.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks for the comment. real-time with no end is no fun...I plan to concentrate on writing more bright poem. I got to come out of this dark place. I haven't had a vacation since 2012 cruise. I been trying to get hubby to at least got to myrtle beach so I can transfer this darkness into the beach and draw a brighter spirit. He is not having so I'm stuck in this dark place. just a weekend would help, but no I'm stuck in the boring house all day with nothing to do or anybody to talk to, except my fb and neo friends.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I appreciate what you have said and can sense your mood. I wish for you brighter moments.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Brighter Moments I'll write for sure. The rain do clear eventually. So too these days will pass

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

The poem does have dark overtones and rather somber but, as I understand from your comments this is a reflection of the happenings in your own life and the fair is a metaphor for your life. I enjoy reading stuff that is a result of an inner churning. You have most definitely expressed the way you feel quite articulately.

Cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

Thanks for sharing your view. This is about my life and what it means when me and my children to go to the fair. There is so much policing to arrest the kids I don't go anymore esp at night. Then my legs are too weak. I have a walker this yr so going during day may not be as taxing on me if I do go, but certainly not at night.

Last time I went some yrs the presence of so many police made my interest in the fair wane. Hearing calls on their Walkies and officer running to arrest teenagers was stressful and the look in the officer eyes was unsettling. I feel in the wake of ferguson those days will be a welcoming picnic in comparison. Sad to say.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

This though written with your usual good way, sounds as if you have become too sad with the things that are around you.
Walk with those that hold their children's hands, not those that are called to the precinct.
It is only fall at the moment it will be a long Winter of discontent as some-one once said lol.
Good write but stay happy, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks I shall do just as you've said. Though I'm sad, Neopoet has always been a place where I can help others and not concentrate on my plights.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment
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