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Castle of Dreams at War

The castle is quiet in my head
All talkers ready for bed
Feeling at peace my horse in the saddle
There're no night terrors for me to battle
Just the sleep in my eyes demanding rest.

A few reads of poetry tonight
And some loving critique, none so light
Is what I planned before lights out
Two bottle of antibiotics without a doubt
Can't do a thing for my infectious plight.

Crashing with every word I read
On my iPad I’m steady falling asleep
While the pills relieving pain finally works
Feeling creepy as I try to finish this piece of work
Late in the twilight before my head embrace the bed

Editing stage: 

Comments

you are really putting your skills to work.
The rhyming lightens the mood allowing the pain and courage to reach the reader.
Well done.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I couldn't have had a better teacher. Your limerick ws really helped me a lot.

I just realize one of my rhyme scheme Is off, Head and asleep. Ill look for a better word the "right word" as stan would say lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Thanks for taking me on a journey inspired by your literary creation.

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Thanks I appreciate you reading and sharing

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

this is a quiet piece that shows your day and blinks into the night where sleep takes over, well written.
One line I think needs some attention is the third line:-
Feeling at peace my horse in the saddle.
This part of the line is incorrect, "the horse in the saddle" but I guess you can sort it.
Take care, and hope you have a lovely new year,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess my horse instead of the horse makes it more personal to the issues I'm facing. I think its better than telling what the issues are.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

I agree with all the comments made before me. I find this piece sombre but very expressive of what you are enduring. I have always found your writing to be honest and admire your courage. Wishing you the best of health and happy writing even in the New Year 2015.

Warm regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Your coment is appreciated. I have surgery coming so trying to hang till then you

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Your horse is sitting in the saddle. Instead (from a horseman's point of view) he should be "under" saddle.

Feeling at peace my horse under saddle

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Straight from the horses mouth, have a look at my comment, touché, Hope you have time to read some of mine, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

But in my left brain the saddle is not on the horse. The horse or my issues is in the saddle riding off into the night as I sleep finally.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

much detail and strong but delicately woven..
intricate and not stiff with the classical
formal style..

thank you Barbara!

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