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The Candle
A candle glitters there in memory's distance
It keeps aflame to ever hold the story
of previous high-spirited existence
when every season's hour was filled with glory
At times I think I almost taste the essence
past emanating from that taper's fire
and from the burning wafts forgotten fragrance
(but still familiar to blithe heart's desire)
It shimmers, then, with overwhelming brilliance
and reminiscences near well-nigh scream
to stimulate an inner glowing nascence
and, for a little while, I live my dream
Spent, near extinguished, it reverts to silence
subdued to smoulder rush light's slow, sad burn
reminding me that understanding absence
is just one lesson we came here to learn
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
Ian.T
Wed, 2012-04-04 15:50
Judy
I wanted to light the candle at both ends, so that it danced it's message within my eyes..
The lines:-
It shimmers, then, with overwhelming brilliance
and reminiscences near well-nigh scream
Not sure if near and well nigh go together I will leave that to you.
Beautiful vision in your words, Yours Ian.
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:48
hi ian
thank so much for the comments
'near well nigh' is a saying i have heard a lot - maybe it is just aussie - or maybe it just comes from my family
i don't know ... i'll think on that line
i appreciate your crit
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2012-04-04 16:56
Hi Judy
Okay, this must be a type poetry which requires a certain syllable count which would explain so many lines seeming artificially lengthy. I agree with Ian that near and well-nigh appear redundant. There are a great many wonderful lines here that imho could be improved with some minor pruning.............stan
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:26
hey stan
as i told ian, 'near well nigh' is a saying i have heard a lot ... but i will look again at that line
as for the line length
this is written in iambic pentameter with a lot of feminine lines
if you have found it artificially lengthy then i have bombed - no bard am i - lol - for it shouldn't be cumbersome to read
trouble is - i like the rhythm - lol
i will rethink it
thanks so very much - your opinion is very much appreciated
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2012-04-04 22:14
hi
I expect the poem is near perfect in technical rhythm. The fault probably lies in me and in my preferring to write my own stuff so as to read as near normal conversation. Hence the many stumbles in my own stuff ............stan
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 21:39
thanks very much kelsey
for the great and in-depth review
as i told stan - this is written in iambic pentameter with a lot of feminine lines
lines
lol - i was so sure you must be right that i have re-counted over and over
and can't see any 12 syllable lines ??
line 10 is 10 syllables
and rem-in-is-cen-es near well nigh scream
your suggested changes alters the iambic...
but as i said to stan - i have obviously bombed and badly need to edit
i really appreciate being shown where
thanks so much again
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 22:48
lol
i think that is one of the reasons free form has become so popular - no worries about accents and rhymes
never any need to apologise, i really appreciate the feedback
and i am looking at the other points you made...
thanks again
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-05-21 08:05
i was just re-reading
to consider any edit
and i saw this - hadn't totally registered first read..
... 'I also had trouble with the transistion from the previous line; "with overwhelming brilliance and reminiscences near" confused me.
I think changing those lines so they read "...with overwhelming brilliance, / reminiscences of alarmingly well-nigh screams" could fix both of the issues in that line, if you decide to change it.'
- thought i'd try to explain
'near well nigh' is an expression i am familiar with - whether it is australian of just my family i don't know... no body i speak to has ever picked me up and asked wtf lol - so i will assume it is aussie vernacular until one of my co-patriots tells me otherwise...
thus your problem understanding
for its meaning is that it almost happened
ie refers to the near- screaming of the reminiscences
screaming in the context of being very loud memories
and lol on recoflexion - nostrils isn't particularly poetic is it?
i'll really have to think on that line as well as the difficult esses
thanks again kelsey
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentCloudthings
Wed, 2012-04-04 23:30
truth & skeletal honesty here was admirable & the last lines wer
Wow, I love this Judyanne, I wouldn't want you to change a thing, apart from being a really well written poem with lovely imagery & skilled word weaving, it really brought me to a place within my own life (which to me is what a good poem will do), painfully reproducing, quite masterfully, my own experience of this scenario/sentiment. That is to me a very satisfying effect as a writer.
Ouch, the truth & skeletal honesty here was admirable & the last lines were a comforting truth to come home to.
Wonderful work.
Anni
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
judyanne
Thu, 2012-04-05 03:52
thank you very much anni
i really appreciate your review and comments
- i'm not sure if we have met or not. i have been away for a while, but i was on the old neopoet ... you seem familiar
anyway, thanks again. you've really made my day here
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentCloudthings
Fri, 2012-04-06 04:58
As a fellow Australian here's my "two bob"... 'near well nigh'
As a fellow Australian here's my "two bob"... 'near well nigh' is a term that I heard more as a child, like "Two bob" (to add your two bob, was to throw in your opinion for what it was worth, so to speak). I would have hought it had a UK origin, probably a term we kept here from the"invasion" as my son calls the whites settling here a couple of hundred years ago, I would even guess possibly Scottish, but certainly older language. I find it so interesting what the settlers in the US held onto from their origins & what the settlers in Aus did. I did some courses in linguistics & found that in Newfoundland the language is often far closer to the original settlers, & after a visit to Norfolk Island here I found the same, moreso, since it became quite a tourist attraction to remain historically reminiscent it may be played up a bit.
Anyway, yes, definitely vouch for it being a common saying over here as a summing up, quite pensively, often of duration of time or some other measure (depth, age, distance, degree of fear etc. etc.).
Cheers
Anni (don't remember you form prev Neo, but welcome & it's a pleasure to read you... is that a holiday snap or do you live near the coast, looks lovely?)
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
judyanne
Fri, 2012-04-06 11:15
thank you fellow australian
for the reassurrance
lol i was wondering if it was maybe just a family thing
i haven't had anyone query me on it in my speech - and i use it on occasion lol i was getting a bit worried that maybe no-one listens to what i say - how's that for paranoia - that's a joke joyce....
lol - had a smile when i saw the two bob's worth bit - i have only just the other day written that in one of my comments not even thinking people might not know what i meant :)
a funny thing - in the intereresting funny way - language, how it changes. the meaning as well as the prononciation - and the spelling and even gets lost to some areas ... i wrote a poem about the former .. i'll share it with you, or bore you with it lol for it was written a while ago now - no edits since so it is probably a little rough... it is called 'the genration gap'...
The generation gap is sometimes wider than we think.
When it comes to use of language I've often had cause to blink.
Every and each era has its own ideology
and a result is a change in the meaning of words.
Take today's technology.
IT used to mean a thing thought to be the cream of the crop.
Today it refers to new-fangled things like computer, I-pod, X-box.
And sayings that meant a particular thing back then when my Dad was a lad
mean something totally different these days.
For example 'sick' is no longer 'bad.'
And 'word' at one time not so long ago was something sung, said or writ.
Now it's a whole program - on our computer to fit.
What a word meant then and what it means now, makes English seem like new
and as if we're speaking a different tongue.
I'm sure you can think of a few.
But did you know one meaning 'look' widely used in past generations
is today considered a way of cussing or describing fornication?
A story straight from my family album describes what I'm trying to say
and when we're reminded of the incident
we laugh at it even today.
One day expecting my sister to come straight home from school,
we were all packed for holiday, and impatience was the rule.
We were tired of waiting, in a hurry to go and the festivities begin.
Each in our turn kept going outside
in the hope she could be seen.
Pop disappeared from the company and we figured he'd gone for a squiz.
He was away for a while, and when he returned he reduced us to laughing fits.
He said in his old fashioned slang, 'I don't want that you should fret
but I just went and had a screw up the road,
and she's not coming yet,'
love judy
oh ps yes i live near the coast - fremantle area...
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentNordic cloud
Fri, 2012-04-06 13:12
Do I remember this, I feel I
Do I remember this, I feel I do judyanne, great fun too.
annanya.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Fri, 2012-04-06 13:28
yes annanya you have read this before
lol - one funny thing i thought of after i had already finished my post to anni
... even she and i might say some words with different emphasis... potato potarto, tomato tomarto - dependent on where in victoria she is from.... lol
hugs
judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentCloudthings
Wed, 2012-04-11 01:26
Language, treminology, cultural inferences & generation gaps...
Dear Judy... still chuckling, thanks for sharing that... there is a joy in knowing/understanding things that have specific cultural implications etc. & I can greatly relate to that sense of hilarity when an out of date term is used & indeed the generation gap become a source of great hillarity, I have a few of my own in the "family album".
Never bored, loved it. there are several purely cultural language gaffs that have caused problems (I have the benefit of being partnered with someone who grew up in California & then spent many years in Chile & Guatemala, language issues are often a couse of mirth & incredulity (& occasionally annoyance, in some of the family interactions, I confess). An example is the terms thongs, if you told an American that you were told to leave a pub because you were wearing thongs, they'd not be at all surprised, left with the image of you waering a G-string (that term itself having a former reference to a particular string on a guitar). & I know of a girl arriving form the UK some yeas ago, when "spunk" was still an "in" word, who was motally offended at the forward compliment from a friend about her attractiveness, in the UK spunk has a whole other meaning... in the US I think it refers to something a little less offensive, but still different (gumption, confidence with pizzazz?)
Good fun, this... My personal favourite (or the oposite really) is the stealing of the inncoent term "bonk", such a wonderful example of onamatapoia. So descriptive of when one doofs one's head or other body part into some other object painfully... Now out of bounds without total incredulity ensuing, given it's now accepted description of 2 bodies meeting in a far more intimate circumstance).
Language, treminology, cultural inferences & generation gaps... sigh!
Cheers
Anni
I lived in Freo when I was about 17, loved it so much there.. very different when I went back after Americas cup! Lovely though
xx
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2012-04-05 07:30
Lovely too from me, judyanne,
Lovely too from me, judyanne,
you breath as one blows on the embers of a dying fire,
when they glow so suddenly strongly,
they recognise the intensity of feeling
you accost them with
and respond
with their answer so beautifully,
I liked this one.
I understand its source.
annanya.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Thu, 2012-04-05 10:17
thank you annanya
i have edited it slightly, thanks to suggestions from scribbler and beauregard
i hope it reads as well to you - i think i like it better
hugs
judyanne
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentNordic cloud
Thu, 2012-04-12 13:31
Its lovely I can hear it
Its lovely I can hear it almost sung into my mind its rhythm
and word sounds a dance for my brain's entertainment
leaving me dancing on,
and looking up,
into the pale blue and delicate purple cloud scene.
annanya OO
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
loved
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:32
Not being adept at poetic constructional, meter and rhyme
all I can say
I liked it very much.
great poem..
from you
as usual...
loved
judyanne
Thu, 2012-04-05 13:54
thank you so very much loved
i hope to get to some more of your write soon - i'm working over the next few days (lol no easter break for me)
- so i won't get to much reviewing, i hope to get a little done
have a great and safe holiday break - don't eat too many chocolates
love judy
xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentloved
Fri, 2012-04-06 14:13
it surely will be
my pleasure
so I shall wait
as ever
loved
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:35
Dear Judy,
I find your Aussie vernacular quite charming and pleasing. Please don't change it. My favorite lines were these:
Spent, near extinguished, it reverts to silence
subdued to smoulder rush light's slow, sad burn
reminding me that understanding absence
is just one lesson we came here to learn
It reminds me of my life candle slowly burning to its end. I hope my flame is mellow and warm most of the time, burning brightly on moments of passion.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
judyanne
Thu, 2012-04-05 13:57
hi cat
thank you so very much for you so supportive comments
i'm so glad you could relate to this
and i'm so glad you like my aussie vernacular :)
keep safe cat -
btw your flame will burn strongly forever
love and hugs
judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
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