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Breath's Away

Submitted by docmaverick on Sat, 2012-06-23 10:04

~

Underneath my dream, idea tree
with full access to my library
where the moments only count if your breath's away;

tread soft through the canopy's veil
it's anyone's guess, in this odd tale;
are they at work? At rest? Or will they play?

~

So quick! Am I to sanitize
each moment bold, I categorize;
so I know when one does end, and the next shall start;

breathe each one in, or turn to stone
after all they're yours, alone
you gave her "life", very deep, inside your heart!

~

Not one thing can better describe
the essence of a soul's own vibe,
than, what prompts my heart to quicken like the birds;

we've each had footprints shadow made,
but, sunlit footprints never fade;
she takes my breath away, no need for words !

~

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Shark Pool (initial workshop)

Comments

judyanne

Sat, 2012-06-23 11:43

judyanne's picture
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i have read this over a few times doc
i really like it, word usage is brilliant, but i am still formulating an idea of the text

i really love the beginning
'Underneath my dream, and idea trees
with full access to all my libraries
where the moments only count if your breath's, away'
- (i don't think you need the comma after 'breath's')

and imho 'life' doesn't need the quotation marks...

an interesting write - captivates the imagination (but i only half understand it)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

docmaverick

Mon, 2012-06-25 19:37

docmaverick's picture

...I appreciate your feedback, and I think I fixed it.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-06-24 04:34

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You chose to post this as part of the initial Shark Pool Critique workshop, which by the way ended over a year ago. But I guess you mean you want the full treatment.

Well, Judy gave you great feedback.

Start with the title. As it is punctuated it is just wrong, but sort of means "Breath Is Away". I know you have a problem with punctuation man, but a gentle hint, less not more, you always over punctuate. read some ee cummings

the lines

Underneath my dream, and idea trees
with full access to all my libraries

see where there is a wrong stess forced on libraries? Do you pronounce it librareees?

Overall an intriguing and dynamic write, exciting use of language and sound, salut.
 

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

docmaverick

Mon, 2012-06-25 19:37

docmaverick's picture

...any better?
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2013-02-06 06:16

weirdelf's picture
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most say
LIbry or LIEbary
not
libarEE

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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