Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Beginning of a Lie

Submitted by Search on Tue, 2012-03-27 03:35

I begin to panic
Caught in this frightening event
With so much to loose
Oh, how I dream to turn back the clock
But I cannot.

Looking down, I ponder through every memory I have recorded
And I do not know the truth
I do not know how to explain
There is no way for me to justify my action.

Caught in this place of fear and anxiety
I begin to fabricate a fantasy
And as my false tale drips from my lips
My body grows numb
Sweat at the palms
Unable to move
And difficult to breathe.

And upon delivering my final word
An emptiness grows
A gaping void has been born.

A dark tunnel I encounter
A tunnel of my own doing
And yet I feared the road it might take me.
I had completed my fantasy
And chaos would surely follow.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
How do you feel when you lie?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

China Blue

Tue, 2012-03-27 20:22

China Blue's picture
Volunteer badge

2nd stanza first line very long
perhaps something like
Looking down ,I ponder every recorded memory

a lie in any form is un true yes
so I would feel just horrible and want to make amends

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

scribbler

Tue, 2012-03-27 23:44

Volunteer badge

I think this is the first poem I've ever read dealing with how a single lie can grow into many more. Kudos for originality.
Got a few ideas though:
S-1, L-4 maybe change dream to yearn
S-2, L-1 delete through or change ponder to a word denoting some tyoe motion
And was there a reason to change tense in middle of last stanza?
regardless of above I enjoyed the imagery in this................stan

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-03-28 01:38

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

it's usually the consequence of mistakes or indulgence. Revel in it.
"Revel in the chaos
Dance to the divine complexity of the universe
Those who live not at the edge
take up too much space" Jess

Forgive yourself, take the good with the bad.
And above all right good poetry. This is self-indulgence and flagellation and, go on, admit it, you had some fun.

Above all write better poetry. You have taken little care to lead your reader into the beauty of the form.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.