A life on the ocean wave, ho!
In the olden days of sail
When England's ships were proud and brave
And their crews were very male.

The Captain stood upon his bridge
Looking smart and flash;
But below the decks, the orders were
Rum and bum and the lash.

The bosun went to the main gunroom,
Dick Deadeye at the ready;
Initiation time had come
For little midshipman Freddy.

Monday 1st January, 20000 BC

Started work today
The oceans were quite hard graft
Went for a nice swim
_____

Tuesday 2nd January, 20000 BC

I invented fish
No fire yet so ate them raw
Got a tummy ache
_____

Wednesday 3rd January, 20000 BC

Dry land was harder
But I managed it OK
Ate another fish
_____

Thursday 4th January, 20000 BC

Lots of fun with fire
Managed to fry a haddock
Burned fingers badly
_____

Friday 5th January, 20000 BC

Old Abraham Lincoln one fine sunny day
Stopped a bullet whilst watching a play
And all the people just wanted to know
How much his poor wife had enjoyed the show.

J F Kennedy with his insatiable fat phallus
Went for a drive one day in the city of Dallas;
But then Mr Oswald picked up a gun
And shot him stone dead for a nice bit of fun.

M L King climbed up onto his rostrum
To deliver a well-meaning tedious nostrum;
He told his brothers that he'd had a dream,
But a well-aimed bullet put paid to that scheme.

Youth shrivels
as one comes of age
I’ll too pass from this page

IV
Onward, Zionist soldiers,
marching as to war,
With the star of David
going on before!

See Netanyahu’s armies
paid for by yankee gold
Killing women and kiddies
doing as they’re told.

REFRAIN:
Onward Zionist soldiers
longing for a war
With the Star of David
drenched in Gazan gore!

V
Onward Zionist settlers
stealing Palestinian lands
With the deaths of thousands
on your greedy hands!

Dirty rundown cheap hotel
Bed crumpled with half-ironed
And patched sheets,
Stained with last night's lust.

Sour sweet sewage smells
Seeping through the open window
Above the noise of ceaseless traffic
And braying gringo tourists.

The fat white man lay on the bed
Stretched out post-orgasmically
His skull crushed to a pulp
Brains splattered on the pillow.

A trembling young girl-child
Searches through his pockets
Seeking his unspent dollars;
And he'd never see his wife or kids again.

A love that I once had
A love all-consuming
Which I believed would live forever
Perished in the rough ocean of time.

For my lover came to love another
And my joyful world came to an end,
And I cried alone in the dark
Like a little bird with broken wings.

I know there is no hope for me
And I patiently wait for poisoned death
To give me sweet release from pain.
Failing that, I'll go and take a truly enormous dump.

She speaks
In a velvet voice
Fit for angels
But not to me

Spending time with her is a gift

A feeling
Like my stomach is caving in
I can't breath
I'm nervous
Around her
Thinking about her

Worrying
Wondering
Wanting to know everything
About her

Her

Waterloo's an historic battlefield, c'est vrai,
Quite near to Brussels (or one of its alternative spellings
in the gorgeously flat land of the Belgians
and also where the sprouts come from, which are,
as well you know, an exciting cause of gas expelled per anum).
FARRRRPPP!

O let us sing a song of gorgeous British food
Roast beef, fish 'n' chips and lovely Brummy balti;
Some of it is bad and some of it is good
(and yummy TV dinners...Mmmmm... they're really salty).
But the finest treats are Findus beef lasagne
(with its extra secret subtle basinful of horse),
And ne'er forget a burger a la espa-na-ya,
(made from minced-up donkeys' genitals of course).