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Something More Than Nothing

On this road we've come to crash
did you really think we'd last?
we've still got a chance
and i'm fighting but i'm losing

they said we'd never get this far
now just look at where we are
do you want to prove them right?
it's too confusing

would you do it all again?
are you ready for me yet?
tell me you're not over this
no more than a friend

your arms hold little room to breathe
distant fingers strangle me
of all these answers
none are right

instead of comforrt, i got cold
where's the problem, you've been told
you were my one place to hide

but i see the other side
past a kiss and blue green eyes
believe me i've tried to tell you

i can't do this again
too tired, too upset
i'm getting over it
i don't need a friend

on this road we've come to crash
i guess i always thought we'd last
well, you had your chance
you lost me.

-Inkblood

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
it's supposed to be a song, really. it flows much better when someone sings it. i changed, like, one word and a grammar error.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am not a songwriter, but in my epic poem I have somehow managed to write three songs. Hence, I'm moderately curious about yours. There is too little traditional form for me to appreciate the poem fully, but I felt the content was handled imaginatively. You were able to comfortably bring the beginning back to the end, something I like and try to employ. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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i'm not too familiar with traditional form; but i do my best. thank you :)

author comment

An interesting poem.
I read the first part, up until the forth stanza, and really liked what I read. The problem I had was that you had a great rhyme going in the first two stanzas, but then it kind of faltered, in the next two...
Until I opened it up and read the rest. Yes, this is a song, I agree, but I think it works well on its own, as a poem. The mixture of rhyme and free-verse works well, for me.
I like the way you build a sense of hope in the first part, then take it away in the second, the technique has great impact, to me. I like your language use very much also, although perhaps it could be a bit tighter in one or two places. I also like the metaphor you've used, its a bit over-used, the road of life and such, but you've done it justice, I think. Overall the meaning it clear, the cadence is good, nice and intricate, and I like this poem of your's very much.
Good stuff, keep writing.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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thank you! i wish there was a way i could let people listen to it.

author comment
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