Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Sir Reality...

She stands on the corner, outlined in the rain
Hikes her skirt at passing cars
and tries to hide her shame

Never thought she'd be a whore, sell her body to the night
Now, the need for a fix again
leaves no strength to fight

The yellow headlights of the cars, offer warmth, an easy mark
The motel room smells dirty
but at least it's dark

Feel the golden glow, the push of ecstasy
She looks into the dresser mirror
says; " It's not really me"

Now dreams of tomorrow, the promise is anew
Her knight in shining armour
is riding into view

He sweeps her off her feet, smooths a troubled brow
She wakes with kisses on her lips
To the reality of now

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I feel naked without my gerunds! They are just part of my trademark here, I would of course delete them if I were to send to a publisher, or editor. I tried to keep in mind what you said about all the [ings] and changed a few. Better? ~ Gee
Editing stage: 

Comments

the critique, and the invite to the Olympic Pool Workshop, I guess I'll be seeing you there. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

This is a sad and familiar story, very wistful. I grew up with a girl who turned out this way. I have know idea as to why, as she had every advantage. She didn't come from a broken home. Her family was middle class and there was no childhood abuse. She got started on drugs and liked them too much for her own good. Maybe it was the culture, I just don't know. But this poem could have been written for her.
I don't quite understand the title, but the theme and flow are sound. My favorite lines are:

Feeling the golden glow, the push of ecstasy
She looks into the dresser mirror
says; " It's not really me"

Now dreaming of tomorrow, the promise is anew
Her knight in shining armour
is riding into view

(should armour be armor?)

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

it could be either [our] or [or], but I chose the amour. The title comes from : "Her knight in shining amour, is riding into view." When I used to drive taxi at night, I saw her/them all the time. I would see them on the corner, and later take them to the drug-house, to get their fix. Yes, it is painful to see, some of them do eventually get their addiction under control, and leave the streets, but there are others that have been out there for years, getting arrested, but coming back out and doing the same thing over and over. Some of them disappear, and you never see them again. I wonder about those, and hope that they are away from drugs, and out of the life. Love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

The nightwalkers all have their stories
your picture of the headlights in the rain is very vivid.
I enjoyed this read very much
the last stanza is so true of the dream of a drug enduce state of mind.
great job!

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I have to ask why you wrote it. There seems to be no subtext of cause or meaning to her plight. This poem needs depth.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

it's really strong as it is.

What I want is hints or allusions or metaphor to the descent to her plight. You have described it lucidly and with craft, but without cause, an underlying text, it could be considered as voyeurism.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

work on the underlying cause of the writing of this poem. I think I shall write a bit about my thoughts as I see her from my taxi. That may add to the voyeurism. Which I guess it is in a way. Thanks for the constructive criticism, and the invites to your pools. I will be visiting them all, I'm sure. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

I like the title but would lose the ellipses. They aren't necessary and don't add anything to the title. The title is strong all by itself.

The story is an old one and some of the lines border on cliché. i.e. "standing on the corner in the misty rain". It is your opening line and I think you need to do something different other than to tell us. Make us feel the mood without saying "misty rain".

One might think to drop the gerunds (standing, passing, approaching, feeling, etc.) Just a few too many I think.

It is an old story done many times and there is nothing wrong with that, but I think you need to find a fresher way of presenting it. More show, less tell, and a lot more metaphor and emotion.

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

I tried hard to give some underlying cause to this, but without seriously revising the whole poem, don't see how to impart any more understanding as to why she became what she is. I think that just letting her be, emphasizes the loneliness of her life, the lack of love and the feeling of hopelessness she feels.
The revisions that I did make, do give it a little better flow and I thank you for the suggestions. The ellipses are just an affectation I have adopted here at Neo, and I would of course delete them if I were to send my work to an editor or publisher. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.