I can feel the beat, and the emotion.

One thing,
I would make it more personal by using "you" instead of "the" in "the witch" and "the bitch". It would sound more active, more angry, and more like real speech between two people, to me. Does that make sense?

I would love to hear this one.

I could hear this in my head....is the music you write/play metal? That is at least what I imagined when I "listened" to it.
So when you play this onstage or I see you on VH1 should I avert my eyes as you will be butt naked and screaming?? LOL

(Seriously though, I really liked this)

Lori

The beat in this one rocks it I think, uptempo and harsh but I think it works well.

I like the rhymes that you have used in this one. As you know I am fond of dark themes and this one more than fits the bill for me. As with all of your work it is well thought out and constructed. I'm not sure about the letters and Ampersands that spell stitch, but I do feel that they fit in well with the rhythm.

I don't know if you need to say 'skinned alive ,' in the first verse, as you have already said flayed, which means the same thing, I think it would retain the rythm without using those words.

Enjoyed it very much.

Lou

the spelling out of a word reminds me of an older rock song in which Saturday was spelled out to a beat. I expect this one will work at least as well as that one did.................stan ( by rock song I refer to times when only instruments were beating rocks together lol)

In this write Hood. How are you? I read this and the image is gory but I know what the feeling is when someone wants to tear your inners up..or have.. I have missed alot of your work and will visit more often. I have been spending much time on the porch of late and reflecting on the most important aspects of LIFE.

From the porch
Ms Mona
with love

I can feel what you are going thru. I did enjoy the read though. A 5 star!

Pixee

there is not much I don't like about this one so I won't be much
help to you this time lol, liked these opening lines ,,,,,,
"played and flayed
Unmade and betrayed
Skinned alive
All my innards cut and displayed
By your virulent blade" ,,,,,,,,,,so you wrote this around the word ' stitch '
very well done , I never wrote that way ,cheers hood another good one ..............zigs

Flayed and betrayed
Played and unmade
Torn to shreds
All my organs cut and displayed
By your venomous blade

(claps hands with glee!) Love it!
definitely good enough to be recorded!!!

love, Cat

I think you have a hit here, I could also hear the beat even though there is no music yet.Also my favorite lines are the same as Cats, gonna be an awesome song:-)

I think as you've stated already that hearing this with the intended music would enhance the reading a lot, but as others have said already I do hear the tempo and beat very clearing with the rhythm of the words and syllable beat in each sentence.

I particularly like the singling out of each letter of 'stitch' in the bridge to the chorus. When I read the line 'S & T' I automatically thought of 'S & M', I like how you've played with connotation and linguistic sound to state another layer to the poem, it really evolves the whole theme.

With the actual verses, I find the constant rhyme of each sentence a little irritating, however again I think this is an issue of hearing these lyrics to the music (I imagine that this is a sort of heavier death-rock ballad of sorts? these lyrics remind me of The Birthday Party song 'I Am the King' by NIck Cave. I can imagine these lyrics really suiting that sort of shoe-gaze/ post-punk sound). Back to my main point though, I think that perhaps an ab or abc rhyme scheme would work well here.

This will sound terrific when listened to with the intended music. This is a great piece and I look forward to seeing it develop.

Looking forward to reading more your work!