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Milkweed
I've been wondering
if you still see me
in everything Australian
I remember how
you shopped for shrubs
to put in your back garden
and the day
you cornered that poor girl
at the office meeting
just to hear her accent
do our trees still grow
in the dry breath of
California air
or
have they died
fighting for life
between
the weeds of us
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Last few words:
oops... I have posted more than one today but I won't be around tomorrow.
you can slap me later :)
Editing stage:
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Comments
49reasons
Sat, 2011-04-16 17:15
lol
yenti, you should not be puzzled, there is the divide between us (a wide expanse of water) but no toxic brew when we are close. More so a stagnancy when we are apart.
did I leave him there? the answer is yes but for how long is anyone's guess.
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
author comment49reasons
Mon, 2011-04-18 07:47
Ian
Ian
it's all about timing I suppose :) There is always a reason for everything we do. Sometimes we don't know it til after the fact. lol
thanks for reading
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-04-16 11:32
greetings
just to get it out of the way, I see the Aussie invasion continues lol. The only thing I would suggest is that you might consider adding "dry" after the in L-12.....................scribbler
49reasons
Sat, 2011-04-16 16:42
blame CCfire
:) CCfire is the one you can blame for this Aussie invasion scribbler. She is a real life friend who gave me the encouragement to actually post the words running around in my head.
Taking heed from your comment and editing to add "dry" ... much better.
Thank you
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
author commentvexations10
Sat, 2011-04-16 17:30
A poem
that to me has most of what a good poem should have. I love the adore the last line “between the weeds of us.”
I might change are to do in line one of verse three but I think that is a matter of personal preference. I think it is pretty rock solid. Let us see what others have to say.
vexations
49reasons
Sat, 2011-04-16 17:39
thanks
I agree with the 'are' to 'do' change. Will alter it shortly.
thanks for reading and for your edit suggestion. greatly appreciated
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
author commentBarbara Writes
Sat, 2011-04-16 23:39
~Juls~
Hi
nice to read your very good poem. especially the ending.
what i got from this is" when you are apart, like grass uncut the weeds in the lawn is overgrown.
Similar to the time you are apart from each other. When you return the grass is cut and all is good until the next long departure and weeds again take over again.
enjoyed it.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
49reasons
Sun, 2011-04-17 05:38
Hi
Thanks Barbara,
you got it right with regards to the meaning of the poem.
I pleased that you enjoyed my little poem.
Thank you for reading and giving me some feedback
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sun, 2011-04-17 03:27
I'm glad,
I'm glad ccfire ( in your answer to scribbler ) persuaded you to post on neopoet, or we might have missed out on your work. I think this is a great poem, i have no crits. A heartfelt welcome to neopoet. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
49reasons
Sun, 2011-04-17 05:41
thank you
thanks for stopping by, reading and the warm welcome to neopoet.
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
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