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released

can I define
the moment
when words
found a voice

I think not,
for neither
am I Neruda
or Bukowski

but there has always
been the need to
feed on knowledge,
appease a muse

now life flows
ink and script
undefined by form

to
free fall
in motion
upon pages

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like it...a simple idea expressed simply...naturally graceful

one thing though, the line "in motion"...leave it out , or use a more descriptive adjective, for example graceful or jubilant. Of course, choose a word with the right feeling for you ...just sayin'

Al

as I dig deeper into this, I think "in motion" applies to being on the page, as opposed to the "free fall" i.e.
to remain in motion on the page . so.....my new suggestion is to ignor me, until I have something more insightful to say

well, this critique sure turned messy in a hurry! Don't forget... I really do like this.

sincerely

Al

*chuckled* at your critique...
glad you enjoyed the read

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

You wrote? Good girl, and I like the simple concise thoughts in this. None of us can be Neruda or Bukowski but in themselves they penned life as they saw it and so do you, you did well grasshopper :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I didn't think you had read this one, it's probably a few weeks old but I wanted some feedback on it to see if it needed much editing.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Stanza two threw me off a bit, but that's OK, I often have to ponder what I'm reading for a while before it sinks in. The first line of it seemed out of place, wandering away, until I read a couple more times and figured it out, heehee.

Apart from that, (no need to change, very minor) this is excellent, particularly the last stanza.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

people often have trouble trying to understand what I have written, hence my being here. I need to learn to convey my thoughts better.
thanks for reading and commenting

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

I like what I read. I felt what I read and I think this is good

Blessings
Mona

sorry, I didn't get an update that someone had commented on this piece.
I went wandering and found your comment. Thank you and I am pleased that you felt something when reading this.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

I am in tune with your writing and I am so happy to have met you and friend CC as well... I got this very essence and feelings of this entire piece..that makes two of yours I am enthralled in... I shall read more.. Thank you

Blessed writer

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