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warm breeze

leave shadows idle
beyond tomorrows night sky
give me back the sun
so I may begin to feel
warmth in my bones, heart and soul

it is time to live
free upon a gentle breeze
watching flowers sway

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
5,7,5,7,7, syllables - traditional tanka followed by 5,7,5 syllables - traditional senryu/haiku
Editing stage: 

Comments

had no idea this was a combined Japanese style. I guess not noticing means it flows well. Only change I would suggest is : watching flowers sway..................scribbler

thanks for the suggestion. the senryu/haiku flows much better now.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Very clever combination of tanka and haiku and the flow is really good. I like Scribbler's change, but it's a lovely piece.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

:D thanks

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

what you have done here is superb! the combo is such a wonderful idea. I love how you blended it with your thym.
Change or no change Bravisima!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I have written a few pieces using this combination. It seems to work well in most cases as far as the flow & rhythm is concerned.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Beautiful images here, i love the gentle feeling you have captured in this poem. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

thanks for stopping by, glad to see you enjoyed it.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

A cry for freedom and a little beauty, that's what we all want. I enjoyed this poem.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

freedom is a wonderful thing to have. there are many that don't have this luxury
thanks for reading

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

join in, and say that I really enjoyed this. Your scheme and theme worked great! ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

thanks for stopping by and reading.
I do love to write haiku

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

May I give it a little flow suggest as you got the words right..let me know. I will do so and you may like or not it is only of my suggest.

leave shadows idle
beyond tomorrows
night sky
give me back the sun
so I may begin to feel
warmth in my bones
in this heart and soul

it is time to live
free upon
a gentle breeze
watching as
flowers sway

Juls as I read this aloud slowly by breaking it up in speaking to allow the break or pause in flow.. Let me know what you think and by all means leave it as is if you so desire my friend..

Thank you for reading my friend.
The format of this piece is set as a senryu and haiku so I will leave it as it is. In saying that, I do like your suggestions.
I will copy the way you have set it out and in the future will swap things around and add more to the piece
.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment
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