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for want of
within this lifetime
too many nights
have been bereft of touch
now there is a need
to feel heart beats
against hands as skin
lay softly against skin
no longer will the hollow void
of black echo beyond white fear
be that vacuum of alone
we have fought against
the tide of time
the chains of conformity
the ease of existence
but love ignores reason,
empowers our minds
along paths of wonder
.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage:
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Comments
CCfire
Wed, 2011-06-08 06:59
You know I love when you
You know I love when you write I just feel this ending could be stronger..'the wonder of us' is a little too cliche and I think knowing you that you are probably searching for more than that too.Perhaps the 'steadiness' of us..just feels it needs a bigger 'aha' moment there.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
49reasons
Wed, 2011-06-08 08:19
there are a couple of lines
there are a couple of lines that I am not happy with and I agree that this needs a bigger 'aha' ending but you know how my muse has been these past weeks.
thanks you x
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
49reasons
Mon, 2011-07-04 21:12
thank you
for reading & for your comment. I'm still fiddling with this one, not so happy with the last stanza.
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda