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haiku ~ flow

Submitted by 49reasons on Thu, 2011-04-28 07:55

shaded life listens
beyond dappled waters edge
fluidity speaks

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
haiku 5,7,5 syllables
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2011-04-28 09:11

weirdelf's picture
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for some reason, and I would have difficulty justifying this, or even suggesting it, but
sussurating soft
jumped into my mind as an alternative first line.

But that would blow the listens/speaks dialogue aspect.

I'm glad you made my mind jump. This haiku is truly a success in that it engaged me far beyond its 17 syllables.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

49reasons

Thu, 2011-04-28 21:26

haiku's should engage the mind and leave the reader with the feeling of.... ah ha from the last line.

Now you have me pondering the use of susurrating in this piece :)

thanks

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-04-28 23:08

very appealing Haiku...i found it captivating my mind...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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