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into the night
i
no words are suspended
between silence of night
and dawns morning light
ii
declarations of now
touched lips and life inhaled
into souls once breathless
iii
the color of night shimmers
in the afterglow of rightness
to form paths of intimacy
fused into skin as fingertips
ink their own course
.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
~vignettes~
Editing stage:
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Comments
CCfire
Mon, 2011-07-04 23:08
Hmm..that first stanza I
Hmm..that first stanza I think I'd make stronger by just saying "no words are suspended..." and cut out the 'no longer' It feels a more worthy statement there to lead into these vignettes. The second one is a little cliche? Wonder if there is some type of metaphor you can find for that one, I know you've been in a funk lately with writing so at least this is down. :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
49reasons
Tue, 2011-07-05 07:46
hey,
hey,
I changed the first but still don't know what to do with the second. I'll come back to it tomorrow I think.
thanks you
~Juls~
"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda
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