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an orchard of sticks

once he told me
'love does not exist'

with all the attention
to his own needs,
those he touched
were left fruitless

he was blind
to others

and

blind faith
bore no peace

I knew
his reality
existed only
in his mind

and mine

became a life
worth living

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 

Comments

I hesitate at the opening because I think you type faster than you think lol...I believe it would read better as ' once he told me, 'love doesn't exist' because the tense is wrong there at the moment. I'd remove the 'for' in the 2nd line..I don't know but 'for' annoys me a little as a word, it sort of just hangs there. The rest is spot on so there...not so harsh? *hugs*

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

*hugs*
~Juls~

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Ok I like it, I think you can update it to 'draft' now :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I like this but i still see that the beats are not right
and the meter to short.
I did an edit i hope you don't mine
use it if you want or not it's just how I see it but it is your baby in the end.
I removed some words and added other to give it more punch in the face kind of thing
Because for me this is a good bye it's over poem.
Eddie C.

once he told me 'love does not exist' - I just think the "not" is a better
all the attention was on
his own needs
,
those he touched were left fruitless
to the feelings of others

blind faith bore no peace
for I knew that in reality
it only existed in his mind

with that
mine became a life
worth living

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thanks Eddie for reading and for taking the time to tweek my piece. I'm here to learn and expand, so don't hold back with any critique you have to offer :)
I'll be back in my morning to fiddle some more with this.
I totally agree about 'does not' over doesn't... much more punch to it.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

This is good, you paint him very vividly, and your choice of paths at the end makes the piece, imo.
I have no criticism, as I think Chez and Ed have covered it!
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks for reading Jim,
I'm sure I will be posting more here

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

This is tight, concise, and emotional free verse. I felt the freedom experience at the end. Still, I wonder if it could be tightened up just a bit more?

May I take a liberty?

he told me once,

"love does not exist"

all attention
fed his own needs,
and left those he touched

fruitless

he was blind
to others

and

blind faith
bore no peace

I knew
his reality
existed only
in his mind

and mine

became a life
worth living

Just a thought.

I love the feel to this. It is reality in free verse which makes for an amazing statement. I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela
..
.

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

I've edited and used some of your suggestions. Thank you Pam

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

... and personal, and as such it works!

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Thanks Marie, I've been fiddling with this again. I think it is now done.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

I've learned something very important since I've come here. Which is as you grow as a writer, you look back on your old poems and you see that with the tools you've aquired you can tweak and old poem to make it something better. Done is not a word for me.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Eddie,
I understand what you are saying about a poem never really being 'done'
I should have phrased my comment to Marie better. This piece is actually one I wrote awhile ago but was not completely happy with how it sat. I suppose I should have said... for the moment I am happy with it... because I know that I will go back and edit it again as I have done on other occasions.
I have already seen a difference in my outlook on a couple of other pieces since I have been here. And so, have been editing a few poems that have not seen the light of day on neopoet.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Bring them, that's what we're here for to help each other, I hope you join one of the workshops, when they start, looking forward to work with you.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I got her writing and I intend to make sure she works too :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Xena. Sometimes you need to write to get rid of the dead wood :)

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment
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