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Icarian Malady

`

When I found the time to be
I found that time had passed me by

When my dreams had set me free
Life set its bounds upon the sky

Should my spirit soar above,
the sun above my wings did pluck

Should my soul find love,
you'd find my cards had no such luck.

Though we predict the end,
we jump into the cloudy veil

We quest for dreams, traverse each bend;
the seeker's heart in us prevail.

`

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
or Icarian Melody of the darkentide poems.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think your poem is saying though it speaks of failure, we must make certain our poems succeed. well writen and thought out.. Regards Roscoe

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

yes it speaks of failure in general but of extraneous forces and circumstances that often can work against success, some struggle just to breathe more than others, and some quite literally. My gratitude for your reading and response. :-)

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

author comment

may the poetic winds be kind to us all.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

author comment

A few suggestions to the ending, if you may.

First off, I would lose [ ] . No need for a separation, as the first part flows well with the ending.

"Bound" breaks the rhyming sequence to "end". Moreover, 'bound" already appears in the second stanza.

And though predictable the end
we jump into the cloudy veil

we quest for dreams, traverse each bend
the seeker's heart in us prevail.

A neat and polished write. Well done.

Diana

The [ ] were indeed part of the first draft.
Quite right you are, I left the rhyme pattern there without meaning to.
Will tweak and post up the subsequent rendering. Cheers.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

author comment

Shooting over kindest gratitude.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

author comment
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